Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Ho No More!!

When I came out here I was depressed, confused and hurt. My ex had promised me my children and then recanted her position. Using them as a tool it would seem, but honestly she is just paranoid and that can be frustrating. To deal with someone who thinks that the world is out to screw them over. It is a terrible existence and I pray that Allah sends on her some peace and happiness. So horrible that I can see now standing on the outside the circle she goes through. No desire to be alone, but can't trust anyone that she's with, doomed to start and break relationships until she can get to a place of peace. May Allah strengthen her and bring her Sakina.

About myself I realize that I cannot allow myself to get into relationships, because I care too much and I can't throw people away. I don't understand how people can do that. It grates against my heart too much because I wish so much for people. I wish to see them accomplish their goals and I wish that they rise. So readers I haven't been all over the Bay area screwing the brains out of unsuspecting women with tales of promise and security. I've had one relationship. I could have had more but I turned them down. Now the sister that I am involved with is wanting to become Muslim.

I was going to break it off, but a couple of things made me stay. The verse that states 4:19 "... If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good." It was solely because of this piece of verse that I did not end the relationship. I was still and saw the value in the person she was. The more I stayed the more value I saw and I treated her with kindness. I made sure to inform her that I am indeed a polygamist and she stayed so I was like cool. Then I learned the meaning of another verse. 4:129 "You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire...". I met a sister before I left and she makes my heart swim. I love to hear her voice. Interact with her as she goes through her day and send her gifts and I love them both very differently. The latter of course does not want anything to do with polygamy and so for a while I was considering breaking it off with the other one, but I know me and I know I will want polygamy again. I know that I can do it. I just have to live my life in a way that does not contradict my faith in anyway. Having two women is great because you can find balance. What helps me in one relationship helps me in another and vice versa. I find that overall I am more balanced and at peace. However I know that I must come to the table with the latter about my plans and intentions because that is the fairest thing to do. However I don't want to lose her and that is completely selfish. So I struggle with that everyday.

I'm going through a lot right now and I will try to post more, but my time is limited.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Nimitz Fwy,Oakland,United States

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