Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Muhammad Seeks Marriage

The inevitable has come and the process of picking up your life has become apparent. Moving on and leaving the head scratching and analysis behind it is time to go on with my life. It has been a crazy 7 years with lots of ups and downs and love and memories, but the chapter to that book is now closed and it is time for me to move on and I have finally reached a quasi-stable emotional state that will let me do so. Finally the hope of any kind of reconciliation is gone. Which is good that it took so long so when I finally do meet that someone then I won't have any hang ups. I will probably have reservations of some things and I will look out for some things, but all and all I should be able to move along with no problem. Without the emotional entanglements of hope.

So then now is the time for starting the looking process all over again. The endless sifting through personals ads. The mundane emailing process. The rollercoaster of emotions of hoping that someone likes you and is genuinely interested in you and blah, blah, blah. Good grief can you tell I'm excited. This is the time when patience pays off. You focus on your Deen and keep to the Sirat al Mustaqeen. If I really wanted a wife I would ask Allah, He always answers prayers, but sometimes you think you know what you are doing and you just want a break (So faithless I should just ask Allah and be through with it, but I kind of feel like I'm bothering Him, so stupid and then I'm not all the way ready I mean I'm broke so there are so many technical difficulties to work through before I can actually get around to asking). So weird with me like that. When I really want something I ask Allah for it and He gives it to me, but if I'm not sure then I fiddle around and allow myself to get frustrated and then ask. Kind of like procrastinating for Salaat. You know what you are supposed to do and lolly-gag around until you actually do it. That is so where I am at right now.

I don't want to get married again right now, but I do want the attention and the affection and romance, but at the same time I don't want to use anybody either. So I suppose that this gets to an answer where sisters always ask "Why do Muslim Men date non-Muslim women" well I suppose my current state of mind would be somewhere close to an answer. If I went after a Muslim woman right now then I would have to get married and I don't necessarily FEEL like getting married. Right now I just want some companionship and someone to romance a little and get a little affection and intimacy (NOT SEX) intimacy you know the holding hands and snuggling thing, that's all that I want right now. Good conversation and the warm touch of woman, just a lil bit. You know her, the rebound girl, but I don't really want to USE anyone like that. Oh yeah back to the question, that is where brothers get the whole non-Muslim chic thing from if I am any extension of them. I want intimacy and the knowledge that someone cares and thinks about me, but not all of the responsibility of marriage right now. Frankly right now I can't afford it so getting married is really a mute point. So I suspect other brothers find themselves in this point in life and decide to go out and get a girlfriend just to satisfy that need whether sexual or not. It is nice to have someone in your corner who cares that you can just hold from time to time. Someone who isn't going to judge you too much and will push you just enough so that you can get back on center. The problem ultimately is that these relationships are eventually invested so heavily into that to throw them away once you have regained equilibrium is just dog, so people keep them and make the best of it. It is a tough place to be, one where you have to trust Allah and also make that prayer so that you are not stuck OUT THERE deeply intertwined with someone that you don't really want to be with spiritually.

So I look back to my Domestic Violence class and the lessons that I learned there.
1. Don't objectify women and I had a post on this where the Muslim community is very guilty of this. A hijab is not a determining factor for the Iman of a woman. It feels good to have a woman who wears hijab there is a great deal of honor in it, but if you don't honor her in return or if she wears it to get you then ultimately it is just a piece of fabric. The hijab is important to me because as a Muslim man I feel that it is in my realm to enforce certain Islamic norms and it is just a fight I don't feel like dealing with. In the end it is really between that sister and Allah, but as a husband it is just a pet peeve. This is undoubtedly a sore spot for a lot of sisters, and opens the whole hypocrisy fight, trust me I know. However there are just some things that you like and don't like. I'm not going to break my neck for my religion, nor am I trying to make anyone else do things that I won't do. You know what I mean, standards we all have to have standards. However the hypocrisy part is the willingness to do the whole part time girlfriend cuddlebug thing. Looking at the divorces in the little circle that reads this blog it is evident that Divorce takes a lot out of you.

2. The next time I get married I want to take some time to get to know who it is I am marrying. This is necessary for me because I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I thought that I had resolved my last mistakes in this marriage but alas I was wrong. The western Islamic marriage model doesn't really lend itself to this, because there is no dating in Islam and everyone wants to be respectable so instead of long-term dating or courtship we just get married and see where everything lands and then once we are in the marriage we just try to make the best of it. Which apparently isn't the best situation.

3. What am I looking for? At the moment that is an open page, not really but for the purposes of this post it is an open page. Realistically I'm just looking for someone with a set of personal problems and hang-ups that I can deal with. Basically that is what we all end up with. The good outweighs the bad and sometimes the love is so great it seems that way, but either way we are happy, and that is all that is important.

So on my mark, get set, ready and explore.



  1. www.muslimmatch.com & www.muslimintro.com

    Both sites are 100% free. I mean everything is free on both sites. You can stress if you are looking for marriage or just a friend. You can message people and they can message you for free. Chat for free, everything.

  2. I don't know if I am ready to take it there yet. I mean yeah I am kind of sort of open, but then again seeing as how broke I am I don't really feel like wasting anyone's time either. Also those people are usually far away too. Maybe I'll try it just to see what is out there.

  3. You learned nothing about not objectifying women in class. You just did twice in this post. Non-muslim women are objects in desperation to satisfy your immidiate needs. Muslim women are for marriage. I pity either that gets stuck with you and will stop reading this nonsense of a blog. Don`t answer, it just makes it worse!

  4. Oh No Kafira I must comment after all it is my blog. My blog is set up for me for a couple of reasons. 1. Reader comments like yours give me a reality check so that I can tell if I am pretty much out there in left field. It doesn't pay off because people don't answer that much but sometimes it does and I get a healthy dose of how my minds eye view compares with the rest of the worlds. 2. It gives me a place to work through problems in my life, this particular problem is kind of tricky because everyone knows Sakinah and myself and so all that information is really not coming out at all. So it is kind of hard.

    Now on to your Objectification I.E. classing non-Muslim women as for immediate needs and Muslim women for marriage. In offering you no excuses I can only go with the logic. I also answer because there are a lot of women out there in their own situations that may read my blog and may be wondering what is going on in their relationship.

    The logic of getting involved with a non-Muslim woman goes something like this. I don't really want to be in a committed relationship, but I really don't want to be alone (for some men it is purely sexual). If I get involved with a non-Muslim relationship then when it starts to get to serious I can end it and move on. For me however that is a bit tricky because it is not the type of person I am. I realize that I can't just get involved with a person with the intention of dumping them in a few months. I wasn't raised that way and I see it as a waste of time. What I am discovering about myself is that I need to be extremely selective in who I bring into my life because I am a long term relationship type person. So going from flower to flower is really not an option for me. Second I am not desperate, raised as an only child I can go for sometime without anyone in my life just fine. So I am not desperate, I know what feels nice, but after being devastated in a relationship I just want to take it slowly with someone that I can see, and feel. Muslims are so spread out and all over the place that the availability and accessibility of them leaves a lot to be desired. Finding a Muslim woman is usually not the problem, the problem usually arrives out of them being several states or countries away, and you can't really get to know a person over the phone. This last time I get married I would like to see, observe, touch the person that I intend to marry in person rather than a short exchange of a few emails and webchats and call it good. So ultimately that leaves me in a predicament further explaining the plight of Muslim couples. How do you form that bond 5 million miles away?

    I'm not asking for a relationship, and then again I am. I want to be romantic and work on those things that I knew I wasn't doing in my marriage on a consistent basis, but I don't want the entanglements of sex or commitment, just a mutual respect and someone to discuss life with from time to time.

    Life is complex and people get to complex places in life and then they make decisions that they feel are best. That is just the way that it is. About my objectification well at least I'm honest and I offer no surprises.