Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Who am I kidding!!

I had a policy and that was to keep as far away from her as possible and if I had kept to it, I'm sure eventually it would work flawlessly. However it started yesterday or day before, she called and she started in with the regret. I stood my ground and stated that if she wanted to keep the marriage then we could work at it and if she didn't then Alhamdulillah it is over. So then I quickly discovered as it spilled over into the next morning and finishing up today that as long as we don't talk about the events that transpired up until our divorce we are fine. We can talk about the kids just fine and antiseptic like and we can talk about anything else the same way, but if we start talking about the b.s. that led up to our divorce all of those unfinished feelings come rushing back in and boom. Good Grief!!

So here it is a year later and it is still the same crap. You hurt me with the polygamy, you hurt me with the thing that you did, well you started it, well you finished it and kept it going. Then that is where it escalates. I say that I would be willing to work it out and she says yeah but I didn't like the way you said it and blah blah blah. Sometimes you just have to let it go. She has chosen another contractual obligation path that she isn't willing to trash to keep our family and I'm tired of the B.S. So it is just apparent that our family is going to end. I think what really pisses me off is that my whole life is ending and changing over a series of horrible decisions and the inflexibility caused by the pain inflicted to both parties. She emphasizes her pain and I tell her that she isn't the only one in this relationship and obviously not the only one hurting then she says it is not my fault you started it blah, blah, blah. Whatever.

After one of those conversations the last thing you want to do is entertain another relationship. Like why in the world would I post a marriage ad up when I know good and damned well I am not ready for a relationship. Good Grief!!

At the end of the day I will believe what I believe and she will believe what she will believe and I will have my reasons why it ended and she will have her reasons why it ended and we will tailor them so that each of us has a perfect excuse why we couldn't go on, then we will become happy with that reason and after that we will forget about it all and it will all become irrelevant as we sink into a rhythm of visitation and weekend logistics. Swapping child seats, and weekend instructions will become the norm and as the antiseptic exchanges that we are becoming used to will relax into cordial goodbyes. Hopefully as we move on to bring other romances into our lives we will be able to look back and smile on the beautiful marriage we had and cherish it for what it was and respect each other for the people we are. I still love her but that is irrelevant now, she still loves me but her fear and insecurity prohibit her from acting on it. My pain prevents me from showing softness and tenderness towards her although in truth it hasn't left my heart, but my pain won't allow me to show it on the regular. So there you have it. Divorce.

I think I will take my ad down when I get home or maybe I will just alter it to reflect what I am really looking for. Peace.

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