Friday, August 22, 2008

Analyzing Comments

There are some comments that spark your interest so that you look deeper into them. On my blog I have two that stand out in particular. One left awhile ago that accused me of being addicted to sex and the other left yesterday on my "Please Stop the Torture... Please!!??!! Post that claimed that I was addicted to love. So I have reflected on these two comments today and I am turning them over in my head. Do they have any validity, what is my problem and how does it all work in the grand scheme of things?

So I look at the first one Addicted to Sex and I have to disagree. Although I love sex quite a bit I am not addicted to it in the framework of it decides my every action. I live at home with my Mom and over the years it has become a sort of residence for mentally disturbed girls she takes them in and she helps them the best that she can to become more and more self-sufficient. This one girl that is staying with her is a little off. Every time my mother is away she completely flips the script and the little church girl becomes hoochfestzilla. The other day she tried to grab my Johnson and she is always EXPLICITLY talking about sex. She has dropped every hint in the book that she wants to get it on and frankly if I was addicted to sex I would have done so already with her being crazy or not. I have seen people who are addicted to sex and they will screw anything breathing. NO that is definitely not me. She keeps asking me when my Mom is coming home and laughing and what not, sorry thank you but no thank you. No I like sex a lot, but I need to be in a committed relationship, there has to be trust, there has to be love. Unfortunately I learned the hard way that I want nothing to do with one night stands, or booty calls, nor old girlfriends waiting in the wings. The guilt that comes after is unbearable. No I am a marriage only kind of guy. Now once married it is an entirely different story that wife had better just prepare herself for a life of very healthy and continuous great sex because I am committed to the job until I get it right, or pass out from trying. So I guess that answer is partially correct a faithful nymphomaniac I guess would describe me correctly. When my wife’s friends came over I would get aroused but the effects of that arousal were all directed only to my wife. If I even talked to a sister at all, normally I would just go to my room when sisters came over and would come out when they left. So even if there were women around my wife would receive all of the benefits. So that is how I am. When I am married I don’t take matters into my own hands and nor do I watch porn at all. It is all for my wife when I am married. So I would have to say that is not my problem.

About being Addicted to Love. The type of love that they accuse me of being addicted to is puppy love looking at the way that they describe it. People do get Addicted to the newness of love and fall for that new love feeling. I don’t do that. When I look at Sakinah I love her just like the first day that I saw her and I have seen her at her best and at her worst. I have seen her happy and I have seen her sad, ugly and cute and it has not affected the way that I feel for her one bit. Even now in love and at war with everything that she has done to me and everything that I have done to her I still love her like nobody’s business. In contrast to other relationships that I have been in where I could care less when it came time to break up it was splitsville. So no I don’t think that it is that I am addicted to love, cause if that were the case I would have went through the same stuff in my first marriage but I didn’t. I think we were together longer so that you have a frame of reference. 7 years I think it was. So no I don’t think that is what it was.

What would probably be truer is that I am addicted to female attention. That is not entirely true though because I don’t sneak around and talk to as many women as possible, and when I have the opportunity to hang around in women’s faces I don’t really jump at the chance to do so unless the topic of conversation is really interesting then it is all about the intellectual aspect of it and not sex nor love. However any man would be vulnerable to this period, just as any woman would so even that doesn’t really stand out. Sexually I have expressed a desire to be with more than one woman either together or separate. When I had two girlfriends I did enjoy it very much, but the context of that relationship came at a time preceding my tauba so I can’t really revel in that. Had I been married to both of them I think I would have been able to keep them both happy, but one was a Mormon and I wasn’t in the frame of mind where I was going to try to convert someone and the other one her father forbade us getting married so the relationships weren’t really able to go anywhere. Under different circumstances I would have just married the both of them and been through with it. To be honest now that my marriage is over I can say that I miss both of them or the relationship, not necessarily them in particular, however while I was married to Sakinah the polygamy thing didn’t come out of yearning to embark on to polygamy. Polygamy has just been my safe place in the fantasy land of Muhammad. It never really had to exist it could have or it may not have and I would have been just fine thinking about it just like guys around the world think about Angelina Jolie or any other woman of the eye. They think about her and would love to romp with her, but if they never meet her then they are perfectly fine and that is where I was with polygamy. Now however it may be something that I may want to prove to myself, but I may have to cross that bridge when and if I get to it. That however will be decided when and IF I ever decide to get married again. I will take the advice of letting the girl know up front though. Hey I love you but I may want to add another wife on in the future after all of the blood, sweat and tears. That at least would be fair. It keeps coming up so I may as well come out of the closet about it right up front and be real about it. It has been a desire for a long time and I don’t really think it is going away any time soon so I may as well tell it like it is.

Well that was a nice little self introspection. Thanks for your comments and keep them coming.

2 comments:

  1. How can you say "It has been a desire for a long time and I don’t really think it is going away any time soon so I may as well tell it like it is" & "I still love her like nobody’s business". Loving someone "like nobody’s business" means putting your beloved's happiness ahead of your selfish desires. If you truely loved her like nobody's business you would never have mentioned polygamy again once you saw how much it hurt her.

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  2. The thing is I didn't. I had left it alone it was relegated to the unmentionables or I would only bring it up in counseling or never at all. That was not the problem the things that got us here are the events that transpired after I had come home and left again. It wasn't until those events that transpired that I was like well screw it I'm going to tell it like it is.

    Now more than ever I know she can understand where I am coming from. I know now more than ever she knows that no matter what happens in our lives our love for the other doesn't change I know she knows this if she still feels the same way towards me.

    I have always been honest on my blog. It is MY blog it is a place where I come to work out MY issues that I have with MY problems. The probability of me meeting anyone who comes by and reads my blog besides family is nil even if I left my address and phone number for the world to see. So I am not threatened by the things I say. For me I am just working through one problem in my life.

    I do still love my wife like nobody's business, but I am also going through with my divorce. It is not an easy thing to do. I wish that I could click my heels three times and this whole mess be over, but that is not the case. I wish that I could forget all of the things that have transpired, but that is not happening either. Life just keeps going on and with each iteration of 24 hours you have to decide where your next footstep is going to be. I would love to kiss and make up and FORGET but that will never be a reality. I will ALWAYS remember each and every little detail and some couples can make that happen. Right now I am facing criminal charges that I would actually want to harm my wife fatally which I have never uttered ever in my life and that fact kind of puts a finality on things.

    I was referencing that desire, both of us have brought problems into this marriage that preceded this marriage. My desire or fantasy for polygamy is one of mine and it has been with me for a long time. It just has, it is not a point or a fantasy it is just a fact. Just like it is a fact that I am a African-American it is just a fact. Facts then turn into information and what you do with that information turns into knowledge and once you have experience with that knowledge it becomes wisdom.

    If you marry someone who killed someone ten years ago it is a fact that you married a murderer, there is nothing wrong with it, it is just a fact. Nothing more, nothing less. I have a thing for polygamy either in concept or in practice, what I decide to do with that desire in future relationships or if by some miraculous genius I get back with Sakinah really is entirely up to me.

    I have a lot of resentment over things that have transpired and now more than ever I feel under no obligation to promise anyone anything as regards to myself. I feel under no obligation to make any promises against polygamy and possibly in doing so people may leave me alone and just let me heal, but I am hurting and the sad fact of the world today is there are a lot of people out there hurting and the truth of the matter is that no one really wants to hurt alone. So some may to stop their hurt just accept me as I am pro-polygamy and all and take their chances. I was married to Sakinah for 6 years and it never became a reality. Before that I was married for 7 years and it never happened there is an awesome chance it is nothing more than hot air.

    Yeah I love her like nobody's business and me mentioning polygamy has nothing to do with that love, me asking for a divorce has nothing to do with that love, and my SELFISH desires have nothing to do with that love. THAT LOVE is just that love the desire to cherish her and honor her and wish the best upon her in all of her endeavors whether we get back together at some time in the future or not. I don't wish ruin upon her. I wish for her happiness and freedom, but I wish for her most of all inner peace and stillness so that she doesn't feel that she has to run all the time and she can just sit peacefully whether things are going right or going wrong she can be comforted and at peace.

    I used to think that it was the polygamy thing that really bothered her, but I became to believe otherwise, because I know I can live without polygamy, just like I can live without Angelina Jolie. I know that I am more than at peace without either of them. It is not a need nor is it a burning desire. Two homes, two wives, two sets of families, two sets of bills, two sets of tremendous responsibilities I mean honestly other than seeking the blessings of Allah for giving the Sadaqa that He enriched me with and enjoying the tranquility that each could bring why go forward with it? One family is a handful and two would be more than that logarithmically. So my argument of being content with what I have is the same.

    I understand for some women it is the sharing and the compromises and the jealousy and I can truly say that I understand how it must feel. For some it is a competition and in some cases competition is good as long as your spouse loves and cherishes YOU the person. However if you are not happy with YOU the person you can never make someone else happy with YOU and you will always be in competition with the world and that is a lot of competition to be in. In fact in many ways it is much worse than being in a polygomous relationship because instead of competing against your co-wife you are competing against all of the women in the whole entire world and a woman can never win that battle because women are turning 18 everyday (or any other arbitrary age that is morally appropriate) so that is an ever losing battle. If you are not happy with YOU I can only imagine that it will drive you completely insane and you will need to go for expensive surgeries and what-not just to keep up when it is much easier to be happy in your own skin and in yourself at peace.

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