Saturday, August 16, 2008

Letting Go...

I have said many times this affair is now out of my hands. It is in the hands of Allah totally and completely. There is a funny thing about faith and that is it tests your resolve and fortitude. The best example that I can give is learning to swim. When you first learn to swim you are in the kiddie pool and working with the kickboards and everything is fine because if the going gets rough you can stand up. However after you show your proficiency and you have left your kickboard behind they move you into the deep pool, and you look at the water and it is so far down to the bottom. I remember when I learned I was at Miami-Dade Community College they have since dropped the Community out of it, it is now just MDC. I was there standing at the 13' poolside and they said "ok jump in" What!! are you frigging nuts I thought? So I jumped and spun around in the air and caught the side of the pool and held on for dear life. Well eventually I let go. I am no Olympian but I can keep from sinking and I can make it from one side to another. Faith is a lot like that. When you are scheduled for an increase in faith and then you look at the test and you want to run to Allah and beg him not to go in, but you know that you have to go. Allah wouldn't have given me this test if I couldn't handle it. That is the truth.

I was talking to my Mom earlier and she is a woman who has practiced faith and her faith is evident in her and I can only hope that she becomes Muslim before she dies so that I and my children and my children's children can continue to pray for her until the Day of Judgement. She told me that you have to strive to increase in faith and get closer to Allah and it is these trials that purify our faith and make us stronger, and that becoming stronger is necessary and at the end of the day it is all in Allah's plan. It was in His plan that I move here and be amongst family, it was in His plan that my heart be expanded. It was in His plan that I went to Bahrain and learned how to seriously pray and walk to the Masjid. It was in His plan that I would bend my heart towards my wife and it was in His plan that she cut it off. My Mom told me that once you pray for something you should forget it and let Allah handle it and she is correct, and then I thought about Jacob and how he went blind in his worry of Yusef, and how it was all returned to him. That is how I worry about my kids.

I remember when I divorced my first wife and she promised me that she would raise the children Muslim and when my son reached 7 that she would return them to me and how she would never keep them from me if they wanted to come and what not and that never happened and how hurt I was, but even that is in Allah's plan and I can't see that far. Now she is a holy roller Christian and my son is asking the same questions that I was asking at his age. He doesn't believe none of it, but he is struggling, so it may be that he was left there to bring her back to faith completely, but Allahu Alim. I remember that I cursed her when she started going to church and I cursed her so much that it affected my faith so I stopped and allowed my heart to heal, and now I can extend her love and pray for her guidance where before I prayed that Allah would take her and give her a grievous punishment, but all is in the plan of Allah. I have to accept that and pray for the best in all situations. I don't curse Sakinah either for I have learned that cursing damages the heart. I pray for her and ask for guidance for us both as we go through this test, but I ask Allah for my children.

I have my reasons that I do not want 50% custody of my children, but believe that Allah will work it out for the best and I have to accept the fact that what that is may hurt very much, but I submit to His will and I pray for the best. I have fears that the same things may happen in this divorce that my children will go through a great traumatic time of readjustment in their Deen and how they see the world, but I know they love me and I know that they know that I love them and I pray for them, but I realize this fight is no longer mine to fight. I have submitted myself to faith and I pray that Allah will work out that which is best and whatever that is I will accept. I pray that Allah will give me the strength and the fortitude to accept His decision and allow me to see the beauty of His plan. I pray that he will increase us in Taqwa, and Sabr and knowledge, and provide for me a most beautiful exit. Ameen.

4 comments:

  1. Are you saying Sakinah may leave Islam?

    Your first wife obviously is not the same person, although you fear that it will go the same way.

    In Islam, a mother is also entitled to her children.

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  2. At this point I am not saying anything. I am not in charge and I am not in control regardless of the decisions of Sakinah. Whether she stays in Islam or not. I am not in charge if she faces the demons of her past or not. I am not in charge with what happens to me, my career or my children's lives. Allah is handling this situation and the entire affair is out of my hands. I have to do what I must and strive hard in what I believe in, but at the end of the day it is Allah that will decide what is best.

    I am in charge of myself and my patience in this matter. I am in charge of my prayers and cries for Afia. I am in charge of how I conduct myself through these allegations. I am only in charge of myself and how I represent my faith to Allah and that is what I intend to do.

    My Mission statement: I will magnify Allah in everything that I say and do. I will hold fast to my promises to my Lord, myself, my family and those whom I come in contact with. I will seek to find the beauty and blessings in Allah's creation, in people and myself. I will seek to help others accomplish their goals and I will seek the countenance of Allah to attain mine. I will hold fast to integrity and I will not waver under temptation. I will work diligently to accomplish all that I can each and every day.

    She has accomplished her goal the door to reconciliation is shut. I seek the countenance of Allah to attain mine the primary residential custody of my children. I am not restricting her from visiting with them nor do I plan to take them away, I am only asking for what was promised to me. From our marriage contract and I quote:
    "9. If the husband breaks the marriage contract the children will go and live with the husband and the wife is entitled to visitation at any time giving a two-hour notice."

    That is all that I am asking for nothing more nothing less. Those are her words predating our marriage. The marriage contract was fairly simple I can reproduce the whole thing here if you wish to view it. There are only 10 things on it. I'm not asking for anything more and I am not offering her anything less than what she originally asked for. She reiterated these wishes before I came home from Bahrain, she promised me this in June just days before I came home and when I came home she left me with all of the kids just like she had promised. My lawyer told me that I was winning my case and I probably would have won just like that, but with one phone call the tables have turned. It must be that Allah has more to accomplish with us, or maybe this trial is for an infraction that I did against my own soul for entering her house after the iddah had passed. Allahu Alim. I am waiting to see what the outcome is. On the materialistic dunya side of the coin Sakinah can write this however she wants to right now. If she wants to give me 50% the ball is in her court. If she wants to give me none at all the ball is in her court, if she wants to give me what I asked for the ball is in her court, but ultimately Allah will decide what is best in this matter and for that I am patient.

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  3. Think about what you've said:

    "She has accomplished her goal the door to reconciliation is shut."

    and then you said that your marriage contract says:

    ""9. If the husband breaks the marriage contract the children will go and live with the husband and the wife is entitled to visitation at any time giving a two-hour notice.""

    It seems to me that SHE was the one who breaks the marriage, the contract says if the HUSBAND breaks the marriage.

    I think the reason you think it should be favorable on your side (the custody) is because you believe it was a breach of contract that by Allah you both promised to keep.

    She may be interpreting this differently.

    Try to be reasonable.

    You both have to move on, don't make this any harder on yourself by acting like you are the "goody-two-shoes" and like you have no blame.

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  4. In being reasonable and not to beat a dead horse I reiterate this matter is solely with Allah my hands are tied and I am removed from this fight.

    I repeat: On the materialistic dunya side of the coin Sakinah can write this however she wants to right now. If she wants to give me 50% the ball is in her court. If she wants to give me none at all the ball is in her court, if she wants to give me what I asked for the ball is in her court, but ultimately Allah will decide what is best in this matter and for that I am patient.

    Allah has made it perfectly clear to me that He is going to deal with this matter directly and it may be shown manifest to me or I may never know about it but this affair solely between Him and His servants and I am most certain He will deal with them in a most just manner.

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