Thursday, August 21, 2008

Please Stop the Torture... Please!!??!!


Looking through recent pictures I had a breakdown. Will the crying ever end good God man. I know what the problem is. I haven't refocused myself into anything else in life. I need to get out there and do something, become something, experience something. I plan on going to counseling after this. Allah knows that I need it. What is love and why doesn't it turn off when it is over. Why does it keep going back to the memories of what is life. Like a familiar house.

This was the first movie that we ever saw. I didn't have a television so we watched it on my computer. We were all cuddled up on my couch and we watched it and cuddled and fell asleep. How I will miss her in my arms. How I will miss her hair. God this sucks, I don't see this ending anytime soon. Even if I get married or run a way to a secluded Sufi camp I am going to keep on loving that little girl. Wow I am wound around her. You all have no idea how difficult this is for me. What will future relationships hold I can only guess. Right now though I have no idea what to do with my thoughts. I pray for her at night at Qiyyam time and I know that I have to move on, but I am so stuck in her, and Allah knows that there is a reason for everything. Now I feel like one of those stupid people that get their hearts trampled on, but they keep going back for more. Yeah I need counseling, because she is my blood and I am dying over here...dying.

My heart doesn't care at all. It doesn't care about the false charges and the time spent in jail. It doesn't care about the Kunta Kente band around my foot. It doesn't care about the house arrest. It doesn't care about not being able to see my kids and being treated like a common criminal. What kind of punk am I for loving her like this. The divorce is going forward regardless of my situation. I will probably have nothing after it is over, completely broke and starting over from scratch, but my heart doesn't care it just loves her. That is all that it knows how to do. PHUCK!!!

Help Allah please help me through this. I have never loved this hard. I have never given myself so completely. I have never in my life loved this deeply. Now I have to redefine myself from scratch. I have to face my prejudices. I have to move out of my comfort zone. I have to get off my ass. Oh Allah help me to be the person you intend for me to be.

Oh Allah show me the reason, give me peace, expand my breast, and let not this pain be in vain. Bless her and elevate her through this trial and increase her faith. Give me wisdom and resolve and let me grow in this Deen and reach tranquility. Oh Allah ease my pain and give me rest. Ameen.

3 comments:

  1. You know, after all your blogging, and all your desire for polygyny (which never happened) and now your divorce, it seems painfully clear - you are in love with the IDEA of love. You are only happy when you long for something that you don't have.

    Once you have it, you mess it up.

    My opinion is that you will never be able to hold on to anyone because your idea of love doesn't reconcile with the reality of being married.

    You probably dream of growing old with her yet if you had to watch her put on arthritis medication you would probably dream about what she looked and smelled like before!

    You will only be happy in your head with irrational fantasies because real life is boring to you.

    Grow up.

    Everyone has "romantic notions of love" but we all don't just act impulsively on them, because like all things, they pass unlike REAL love, complicated and yes, mundane at times- lasts forever.

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  2. No I think that you are incorrect and let me tell you why. If I were in love with only the Idea of love then I would have immediately after the newness of marriage set in began to look for someone new, which never happened. If it were only the Idea of Love then when she was in the hospital I wouldn't have committed myself to going as much as I could. When other things in our lives happened I would not have remained faithful. People who are in love with Love are usually very fleeting from my experience. They are runners looking after an ideal that they never find. No I would say that this is incorrect.

    My ideal with polygyny started long before this relationship and it has just never been reconciled. I never committed to it nor did I ever fervently argue my desire for it. It has just been there and one of those things.

    Growing old with her is something that is beautiful and has to happen with someone you love. Love however removes the wrinkles and the saggy bagginess of the inevitable from sight. Once you are committed to a relationship her insecurities do not hold water in your eyes because whatever she has wrong with her is overlooked and or made an excuse for. Smelly arthritis cream is a shallow thing that has no depth at all. I would still love her if she had to put that on or hang a colostomy bag over the side of the bed. These things are material and have nothing to do with what love is.

    Fantasies bring happiness to us all and acting impulsively on LOVE would probably mean that I would either be cheating or asking women to be my second or third wife every five minutes, however neither of those things have ever happened. So over all I don't agree with you. Thank you however for your comment. As mundane as our life was on a daily basis I was happy with it.

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  3. I say ameen for your duas.

    May Allah give the best for both of you, and your children too.

    And may what has happened make every of us a wiser, better person.

    Ameen.

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