Thursday, August 14, 2008

A quick look at Despair

When I was in the jail cell after the Judge had handed down the brutal sentence. Let me just tell you in the court room I didn't care who saw me I cried like a baby when he said I couldn't come within a mile of my children. They don't deserve this. However when I was in the jail cell with the blanket over my head crying as discreetly as I possibly could about the loss of my children I fell into deep despair and one verse played continually in my head. 3:139 I don't know why some verses stick with you over the years but this one played over and over again in my head. It came to me and comforted me, but I was still doubled over in pain. My heart was exhausted and torn to shreds. There is no way that I could fight this fight and then I received more news. A temporary restraining order demanding that I stay away from my children, but this news didn't make me sad. I became quite angry at the information therein and addresses that were most unsettling. However soon thereafter I regained hope as I read through the pages at the accusations and my heart was settled with ease and then all I could do was wait until I got out.

I was scheduled to be transferred to the stockade, an open bay prison full of inmates possibly between 70 - 100 people per room. The experienced offenders saw this as good news however I wanted no parts of it. So I prayed and I was delivered from such a trial as the concrete walls seemed to close in on me and drained me of my very essence. I was thankful that there weren't jarring horns and sirens every time a door opened. I had volunteered at a facility in Hawaii where that was the case and I wouldn't have been able to stand that. I was called early on the morning of my release and I thought that it was good news but it was only so that I could receive the prison uniform 220801458 I will never forget that stupid number because I had to use it so much to dial the Bail bondsman. That was my inmate number. I remember praying to be delivered from the jail and as I was in there I was thinking this is like a Mosque for criminals, because it doesn't matter who you are or how much money you make when those cell doors close behind you, you are all criminals, numbers in the system without any distinction of rank due to wealth or status, you are a criminal even if placed there wrongfully. There were assorted men who had no regard for their children and complained incessantly about their responsibilities. At the end I was bunked with another man who's wife was unstable and on medication and called the police. He was older than me, but it was evident that he didn't belong there either. No more than I was.

Then I was released and it was good to feel free. I cried when I talked to my Mom a devout Christian and she witnessed to me (that is what they call Dawah) and assured me that Allah would strike His vengeance into our enemies, because she is going through it with her other son a total of two years in custody battles. However my brother is on the precipice of getting full custody of his son and he is in my duas. Insha Allah he will get his son. So then I went on gathering documents seeing people, getting my GPS Monitoring system installed on my leg. It was a horrible, humiliating experience but it was necessary for Allah's plan as we shall all see unfold before us.

Then I went and saw my lawyer today and she dropped the Whammy down she wanted a $5000 retainer, now she's good, but I don't know any drug dealers to knock over so I will have to look elsewhere for representation otherwise my case will go on forever. Insha Allah I can raise enough money to pay for an attorney otherwise I will have to file for a continuance until I can save up enough for one. So seriously people I don't care if you donate $1 donate something, then I will just need around 4999 people to do the same thing. Anyway I saw my lawyer and she dropped another legal wake up call. Get this the courts don't give a damn about perjury, WHAT she then listed several cases of blatant perjury and nothing happened to those who have perjured themselves. Is lying now a social acceptable norm? Why even have a perjury charge? Unless it is like garnish or something for a more serious crime. So all of my hopes of my newfound information just fell through the floor and then I found that one doesn't have anything to do with the other. I was so pissed, but then I remembered this affair is completely out of my hands. Trust me. I'm going to bed now, when I get home I will go to bed earlier so that I can rest. Jail really takes it out of you. I just keep telling myself this whole affair is completely out of my hands and in Allah's hands so enjoy the ride. So we will se how it all goes down.

Read these verses on despair I'm sure you will find a favorite. I love them all.

Al-Imran (The Family of Imran)

3:139 So lose not heart, nor fall into despair: For ye must gain mastery if ye are true in Faith.

Al-An'am (The Cattle)

6:44 But when they forgot the warning they had received, We opened to them the gates of all (good) things, until, in the midst of their enjoyment of Our gifts, on a sudden, We called them to account, when lo! they were plunged in despair!

Hud (The Prophet Hud)

11:9 If We give man a taste of Mercy from Ourselves, and then withdraw it from him, behold! he is in despair and (falls into) blasphemy.

Yusuf (Joseph)

12:87 "O my sons! go ye and enquire about Joseph and his brother, and never give up hope of Allah's Soothing Mercy: truly no one despairs of Allah's Soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith."

Al-Hijr (The Rocky Tract)

15:55 They said: "We give thee glad tidings in truth: be not then in despair!"

Al-Hijr (The Rocky Tract)

15:56 He said: "And who despairs of the mercy of his Lord, but such as go astray?"

Al-Isra (The Journey by Night)

17:83 Yet when We bestow Our favours on man, he turns away and becomes remote on his side (instead of coming to Us), and when evil seizes him he gives himself up to despair!

Al-Mu'minun (The Believers)

23:77 Until We open on them a gate leading to a severe Punishment: then Lo! they will be plunged in despair therein!

Al-'Ankabut (The Spider)

29:23 Those who reject the Signs of Allah and the Meeting with Him (in the Hereafter),- it is they who shall despair of My Mercy: it is they who will (suffer) a most grievous Penalty.

Ar-Rum (The Romans)

30:12 On the Day that the Hour will be established, the guilty will be struck dumb with despair.

Ar-Rum (The Romans)

30:36 When We give men a taste of Mercy, they exult thereat: and when some evil afflicts them because of what their (own) hands have sent forth, behold, they are in despair!

Ar-Rum (The Romans)

30:49 Even though, before they received (the rain) - just before this - they were dumb with despair!

Az-Zumar (The Groups)

39:53 Say: "O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! despair not of the Mercy of Allah. for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

Fussilat (Explained in Detail)

41:49 Man does not weary of asking for good (things), but if ill touches him, he gives up all hope (and) is lost in despair.

Az-Zukhruf (The Gold Adornments)

43:75 Nowise will the (Punishment) be lightened for them, and in despair will they be there overwhelmed.

Al-Hadid (Iron)

57:23 In order that ye may not despair over matters that pass you by, nor exult over favours bestowed upon you. For Allah loveth not any vainglorious boaster,-

Al-Mumtahinah (The Examined One)

60:13 O ye who believe! Turn not (for friendship) to people on whom is the Wrath of Allah, of the Hereafter they are already in despair, just as the Unbelievers are in despair about those (buried) in graves.

Al-Fajr (The Dawn)

89:16 But when He trieth him, restricting his subsistence for him, then saith he (in despair), "My Lord hath humiliated me!"


  1. "assured me that Allah would strike His vengeance into our enemies" Try love instead. Love is stronger and will always win. Pray for equity and fairness. When you were the one fighting for the children did your heart ache for her pain. Pray for your enemies instead of filling your heart with filthy thoughts like vengence. Isn't that what got you all into this terrible mess. Try love, forgiveness and understanding. Love will always win. Love is stronger.

  2. I am praying for them, because the fact that they may have become enemies means that Allah has changed their state. Allah does not change the condition of a people unless they change what is within themselves. I tried to understand, but the answer was not delivered to me. Maybe in time I will fully understand why the events transpired in my life the way that they have. If not on the Day of Judgment it will all be revealed.

    It was not vengeance that got me into this mess. The vengeance I was contemplating was silenced by Allah Subhannahu Wa Ta'Ala. He took my sword, He took my pen, He took my tongue, He took my car, He removed me from the proximity, He stopped reconciliation, He closed the doors so now I sit and wait for His Judgment. My hands are tied and the pen is lifted and the ink is dried on this affair all we can do is stand by and watch it play out as He deems necessary. I have faith that I will be victorious and the what is right will be made clear for all to see and not the judge, police, lawyers or jury, not myself nor my wife have anything to say about what Allah has in store for us next. I knew this divorce was on automatic pilot and now I am certain that what is necessary to ensure that justice stands free from injustice. I pray that it comes soon and I don't have to wait like Abraham, or Moses, or Yusef before I can see the results of my Dua. I believe that if my Dua for my children is answered sooner than later it may make a difference for the better in the lives of many. Insha Allah we will see what Allah has in store for us.

  3. Salaam Alaikum Muhammad,

    My heart is heavy reading these accounts of the rough times you are going through. I cannot help out financially until the end of the month, insha'Allah, and I have tapped out my expendible income with some other sadaqa in the last few months. Insha'Allah will be able to help a little in a few weeks.

    In the meantime, take care and live your life in a manner that will demonstrated to everyone how WRONG this situation is.
    My prayers are with you and yours.