Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Crap or get off the Pot!!

This divorce thing is on autopilot. No matter what concessions at reconcilliation we make something always happens to frustrate success. Yesterday was no different, I went and picked her up without the kids and things just fell apart. The intention was to go and have a nice much needed talk and then, go down to the Masjid and get remarried Islamically, because Islamically we are divorced and then start patching it back up, then it fell to crap. Oh Well what is the name of that song? God is trying to tell you something, yeah I can take a hint. So it is over I'm thinking. There are only a couple of weeks before everything is finalized.

So there is really only a couple areas of contention in the divorce. The most important one being child custody. From before the beginning of our marriage it was agreed that in the event of divorce I would get the children and she would be free to drop by whenever she wanted to so that she could see them. Now we are embroiled into a full on custody battle if we can't make it work. I am to a point were I am ready to accept anything that is coming. Getting back together or divorcing and going for broke in a custody battle I really don't care at this point. I'm at the point where I want to crap or get off the pot!! I'm really leaning towards getting off the pot and running as fast as I can without any toilet paper, just wiping with my left hand and rubbing it all over the first person I see. (I'm sorry I just had to be gross for a moment).

My duas have ruled this little ordeal. I have never seen duas answered so quickly before. Alhamdulillah. Every piece of information I have recieved, every sign I have seen, every shred of evidence has been delivered and the only thing that stands is my final decision. That decision rests in the one governing question; "What do you want to do?". I was at a point where I wanted to make it work no matter what, but Allah saw fit to give me more answers to my duas that caused me pause. However with all of that pause I would still take her back, but on my terms and in my own time. There are some materials that if you continue to flex them they become brittle or hardened so to say. I think that is what is happening in this situation. With each iteration of slackening and wavering, I am willing to take less and less crap. I am becoming more and more indifferent. I am beginning to ask more and more what does Allah have in store for me if not this relationship? I am wondering more and more where is Allah taking me and how far will he take me as long as I am holding on to this rope. Now is the time for me while I am the most sincere in my duas to ask Allah to grant me Afia in my problems in this life. I used to ask Allah for funds to make my life easier, now I only ask that I enjoy what I do and that I am able to bring my ideas from conception to completion and as long as I can enjoy life, my kids and what I do I will be happy whether I make money or not. Things are hard right now, but with hardship comes ease. I just have to hold out a little while longer. Insha Allah.

So we go and see the counselor today. It is my day but we agreed to a group session. So what do we expect to accomplish? I don't know, all I can hope for is to dump the rest of the facts on the table and then go from there. There is this thing that we keep going over and rehashing and rehashing and that is bringing up the past and rehashing it whether it was last week or 5 years ago we keep bringing up the past and the whole "you started it" kids game. My only point of contention is the the truth not a version of the truth, not a half truth, but the whole truth. If I don't get the truth, that is usually when I get angry. Nothing pisses me off more than lies. My kids will tell you. You can either tell the truth and get in trouble or lie and have your whole world come to a screeching halt on top of getting in trouble. However at this point the truth has been so bastardized and beaten that even it doesn't know who he is.

So the wavering must stop today!! Today is the last bending of the steel. Today is the last chance of any possible reconcilliation. Actually it was yesterday but I gave my word and my mission statement says that I will hold fast to my promises to my Lord, Myself, my family and those whom I come in contact with. So I am keeping my word. I have to do what I said that I would do. That was my plan yesterday but before I could complete explaining myself and my intentions for the day we got into a heated argument and she hopped out of the car. So it is what it is. So it was AFTER she left yesterday that I said screw it, I'm going to let it go, but then I went back and said my word is my word. So really it is up to her, if she wants to go into this relationship with no trust whatsoever and try to build on that. It will require some humility, some patience, some backbone and some trust and we can go forward. Otherwise it is over. The only thing that has it holding on right now is my word, a promise that I made, that is the only thing giving this thing a chance period.

I get angry when I think about all of the facts, but Allah has given me peace. So I'm at a place of peace, one where I can accept anything that happens from this point out. If I stay, through therapy and prayer, I can hope for something good and if this is final then I can reconstitute my self in my solitude with my Lord, redefine myself and reevaluate my prejudices and perceptions, get to a truth of who I am and what I want in life and then go through the rest of my life and demand excellence of myself and from what I take from life.

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