Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Do you think you will not be tested?

The tests keep coming but we keep making it. We got into a huge fight yesterday and I hated it. I hate fighting with my wife. In our marriage of 7 years this is our 3rd. 2 of them have been this year. I hate fighting with her. We have been rehashing what you did and what you said to each other and I suppose that has its place but it doesn't allow you to move on. In the end we are both guilty of our own pain or rather the continuing experience of pain. This process has been going slowly and the pain is at times very great, but we love each other tremendously and miraculously that is keeping us going. My prayers are with my marriage and I appreciate all of your prayers for us. They are helping. I rue the thought of us not being together.

A very sad thing that we both came to the glaring reality of is that I can't tell my wife everything. My thoughts are often dark and sometimes influenced by the Shaytan which he uses to exploit every fear or insecurity my wife has. You just can't tell women EVERYTHING which is really hard because she is my ONLY real friend. So I suppose now I will have to find a blog somewhere else to vent my dark thoughts. I know Islamically it would probably be best to leave them deep inside somewhere but I would rather them in front of me so that I can know exactly where my weaknesses are.

So that is a major regret in all of this. I don't know how it will change. She says that she wouldn't want it to change but I can see no real way of keeping it going since so many of my thoughts cause so much pain. Most of my thoughts are benign and only pass through on a whim but once I utter the words they are long lasting in their effects.

I really was forced to think about my desire for polygamy in all of this. All of this time I never really realized why it came across my mind so often. So now I know and that is good so that I can put it into its proper perspective. I think of it strangely when things feel like they are falling apart and I use the thought of being successful in that arena as a way of acceptance and validation of life. The fantasy is always the same and the elements of it are the same. I am not going to go into all of the gory details here but suffice it to say that when I am in that place I am completely safe from the shambles that is my life. I have been going to that place for quite sometime, and now I know why I go there I can better cope with why I have my desires. I don't think that it will be going anywhere any time soon, but I know what I have to do to keep it in check.

Tested, yeah how will we all handle the test?

3 comments:

  1. My brother,

    Excellent post...I myself am going thru a difficult test....I don't know what to do or where to turn. I made dua that Allah(swt) would ease my troubled mind and broken heart. I don't understand the purpose of this test..nor do I know whether the outcome will be pleasing to me. I feel your troubles...I will keep you and your family in my dua..and hopes all works out for you...Hopefully everyone that is going thru such difficulties---will find closure soon InshaAllah....

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  2. Why can you not go to Allah with all your 'dark' thoughts and pray for his guidance and assistance?? Through him comes all ease and peace.

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  3. Well Queenie I can and I do, but I used to be able to talk about them with my wife. Used to. I thought that it was a way to keep the Shaytan out of my life. I thought that I could say honey I'm feeling kind of weak I need you to step up I could say that. I thought that I could say Baye I need you to extend your hand first when women try to shake it so there isn't that awkward silence I could. I thought that I could say I have been out and about and I saw such and such and it made me feel like this let's do something about it I could. I however can't and now I am facing the regular married life of Hi honey I'm home these are the things of life. Let's make the obligatory love making session once a week or week and a half like normal couples do and then talk about all of the things other than the stuff that I am not trying to think about.

    That has never been my life with my wife and now I am facing the reality that that is dead, and it is just a little hard to do. That is all.

    That fact of the matter is I am extremely passionate and sensual and I have a vivid imagination and that apparently is a big problem. Regardless of the fact that my wife gets all of the fruits of the ideas that float through my head with the affection that I lavish on her. Whatever it will be ok. I will learn to cope or maybe just become one of those husbands that sits on the couch and watches the game.

    Whatever...

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