Saturday, March 08, 2008

Scary, Reality, Wisdom and Allah

First of all I want to say that I believe that we are going to be ok. Insha Allah Subhannahu wa T'ala. However there are a lot of revelations that I came out with of this thing thus far. I know I said quite a few things during this whole thing thus far. I just want to say that Allah really forces you once you have faith to look at things much differently. First of all if you have any depth of faith you know there are just some things that you really can't do. Getting really mad and throwing tantrums is one of them as if the whole world will stop and listen to you sort it out. As if you were that important. Once you let go you can then begin to see things in their true perspective. The truth of any circumstance that you make in life is the ultimate reality that you are only in charge of your own actions.

This has been a very painful time that I wouldn't wish on anyone however just as the forest regains life after a horrific forest fire life goes on after tumultuous pain. Many great things were learned during this period. The most important for me is that money don't mean a thing when you really get down to the essence of what things mean. You will always have bills, some you can pay and some others will have to wait. It is not worth it to get all bent out of shape about because you will be on this earth whether you can pay your bills or if you can't. In the end it is all how you handle it. If someone would give me a million dollars for my family I wouldn't trade them for the world.

What was the key in the whole thing? What is always key a communication breakdown. Although we were talking the talk was one sided on key issues. I really cherish that I can tell my wife anything even those things that hurt, that has always been a staple of our relationship. However if you allow any kind of talk to come out and there is no protest about things then silence is acceptance and if you don't communicate otherwise and that is a recipe for problems.

I said a great many things and I thought of all kinds of scenarios, but once you have wisdom from Allah you have to choke down the fact that you don't have the right to such foolishness. You can't kill yourself as one may like to do out of ultimate protest because that simply is not allowed. You can't assist suicide by orchestrating events around you so that you can somehow say that it wasn't your fault on the day of judgement. Like going into drug holes and calling all of the drug dealers out and declaring that you will report them all. Although seemingly brave there is a great chance that you will get shot in the head and if that was your aim then you get no reward in it. So that is out. So you are stuck alive in your situation cause you can't pull one over on Allah. Nor can you move to Africa and marry a curiously thin woman.

You can't say that you will refuse to get married again if you are incredibly sexually weak. You can't be a whore out of depression or whatever and just say that you will have to get the recompense of such actions on the flip side. You are to wise for that. So your Deen dictates that you attempt to either hold yourself or reluctantly get married and IF you get married again then of course you have to do your best. You could seek out sisters who can't have children though I suppose and then just exist together, but again you would have to do your best to be the best husband.

You can't really move to the high side of the mountain because what kind of existence would that be for kids. So you are stuck with life and Allah affords you no excuses and if you choose wrong then inevitably He will make life really suck so that you will wake up out of your funk and get back with the program.

You accepted Islam and you gave your soul to Allah so you must go forward willingly or unwillingly but either way you will go forward so ultimately the only thing you can do is be patient pray to Allah for strength and put one foot in front of the other.

The scariest thing in all of this was knowing that regardless what happened I would have to keep going forward with or without the love of my life. I would have to keep making the best of my life and I would have to put my face toward the future and keep going. Keep going for my children and grand children and be the best example as I can be as a father and possible husband again. I really didn't like that possibility however I am Allah's servant and I must Submit to Him in all occasions.

Alhamdulillah the thanks we gave at the beginning of our marriage has been answered in this hour of darkness. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. I really really love my wife with all of my being and if she wasn't able to make it into Jannah before me I would wait at the edge of our palace until Allah subhannahu wa ta'ala released her so that we could be rejoined again. If that is even possible.

I never thought that soulmates existed but she is mine and I will love her until the day that I die. So I pray that Allah will forgive us our sins and admit us unto His countenance. She is so beautiful I couldn't imaging being blessed this much again if things didn't work out.

Qul Inni Salati wa Nusuki wa mahyaya wa mamati Lillahi rabil A'lameen

Say verily my prayer my sacrifice my life and my death are for Allah Lord of the Worlds.

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah

1 comment:

  1. Wow - I think you need to have a chat with my dh and make him understand that money does not solve problems. I look at his life with his other family and my heart breaks for his children - my dh has buried himself in work - in the belief that this is what his kids need - so wrong. His children need him in their lives. As I said makes my heart break - unfortunately he has not had a wife that has 'included' him in the lives of their children - from day one they have been 'hers' and he has not been allowed to have free access - and this comes not from my dh but from my SIL - who were there at the time. Such a shame to see children suffer.