Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I have to defend my wife

Due to some comments that I have received I feel compelled to defend my wife. I hold my wife completely innocent in this whole sordid state of affairs. I feel that I am all to blame. I have a problem and can be most noted that this is my second marriage in which the same seed has spoiled the batch. I am going to check myself into therapy over this. I am very angry these days at my complete and utter ignorance. I was completely blinded. You see I have A.D.D I have been diagnosed with it at least. It is a very frustrating illness, because you are constantly starting your life over every so many months only to go for a while then slip back into the same patterns. Or maybe it is just lack of discipline. I can't really blame it on that when I reflect on the gross negligences that I committed. I was expecting a small rap sheet of maybe half a page and then she brought out the library of congress. Denial has kept us so seemingly happy. It doesn't help that my memory is extremely selective either. Significant event memory I think it is called. I can remember significant events but not where they happened chronologically.

Polygamy was always a staple fantasy in my head. In truth my fantasy had nothing to do with polygamy at all. My fantasy truth be told was 100% haram, but could be courted through polygamy being I was this good Muslim and all. When I married my wife I told her of the things that happened in my first marriage and swore that I wouldn't invite that into this marriage and I was perfectly fine for quite sometime. Then I began to dabble back on my beliefnet debates about the subject. Why I don't know I was on watch and had a lot of free time staring at the computer screen, and I like to debate and polygamy is always a hot topic. So 9/20/2005 I post on B'Net 2nd wife revisited and thus the seed was laid. Shaytan's plan was in set up mode. Then I got hit with a one two punch because I had forgotten about that little post actually and everything was fine.

Then the bomb dropped Big Love and wow what a show that was. That was all that was needed to light the Poly fire inside of me and I became completely obsessed. Researching looking finding articles people, groups, studies it was ridiculous and it was also the beginning of the long road that brings me to the sadness that I feel today. For five years I had been the perfect (quasi) husband and now all of that came to a screeching halt with this obsession of mine. I would trade anything for that title back.

Why did I have this weakness? Why did I give in where did this all come from. Well when I see my therapist I suppose I will find out. I think a lot of it has to do with self-esteem issues and feelings of inadequacy. Desire for one-upmanship. Either way it is fucked up my life. I said that I remember poly things from my earliest childhood. I still remember the fantasies that I had in grade school like 3rd grade and they were Poly. So I don't think it is something that I am going to just get rid of anytime soon. I did suppress it very well for 5 years and if my wife and I move on no doubt it will be suppressed for the rest of my life.

The A.D.D play in. Well people that have A.D.D get hyperfocused on a thing of interest. It manifests itself differently in different people. My latest fixation as you all know was with the hydrogen fuel cell stuff. Still working on that, but it is obviously on the back burner now. So with this polygamy situation my fixation drove my first and second wife through the roof, because it was all that I could think of and it was doubly damaging because it was intertwined with sex another thing that I can get hyperfocused on. So basically I was doomed from the start.

So as you can see my wife is highly innocent of any wrongdoing. I on the other hand have some serious problems, which also highly contributes to the fact that I will never get married again. That and the fact that I am tremendously in love with my wife and it just wouldn't be fair to anyone else trying to get out of her shadow. I won't do it again this is the end of the road for me. She's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I love her with all of my heart and I really regret the shortfalls that I have.

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