Sunday, May 04, 2008

I'm going to counseling

To be real people I have no idea what I am going to talk about. Our issues, my insecurities, polygamy, other things, pain, hurt anger retribution, divorce, getting back together. What. I am so confused. I do know this though These verses are definitely true:

25:43 Seest thou such a one as taketh for his god his own passion (or impulse)? Couldst thou be a disposer of affairs for him?

25:44 Or thinkest thou that most of them listen or understand? They are only like cattle;- nay, they are worse astray in Path.

On the way to recovering my marriage my father told me Son your emotions will always give you the wrong answer every time and cause you to make decisions that you will later regret, probably for the rest of your life. I think what he failed to emphasize is even in times of great pain just stand fast and see what the outcome will be. No one however wishes to be made a fool of. If you are hurting with great pain the only thing you really want is for it to stop. So I divorced Sakinah once. It was hard to do but I had to do it. I don't even know if it counted. I don't know if I was angry at the time I do know that I was hurting though. So I can't say that it was out of anger cause I am not one of those people that rant and rave, but I was deeply troubled when I did it. Anyway we are back together, but I may possibly be down one Talaq. Allahu Alim.

I will never divulge any of Sakinah's faults here. I will divulge mine because I don't bend my neck to the WNN. I hear about it sometimes but nothing in detail. I have thought of going in drag if I ever got divorced just so I could keep current with the events. LOL. Whatever. So in the midst of this intense pain that I was feeling and divorcing Sakinah I was approached yet again. This time not as strong, but it was more than enough and I succumbed to escape the pain that I was feeling. Ladies just to let you know a wounded lion will still eat you. You can sedate him and mend him, but wait until he is well before you wish to tame him. A wounded lion in pain is very unpredictable. I don't think it is the same when a woman saves a man as it is when a man saves a woman, either circumstance can end badly, but this is just for your information.

I knew I couldn't commit. I knew I could not form that deep bond with her, but I was all over it. At least I knew those things couldn't happen at this time. Then it was like autopilot. It was like I saw the burning fire but I just couldn't stop from walking into it. Clouded judgment, desire and everything. With polygamy it really boils down to the character of the Man if he is strong and can resist then he can abstain. If polygamy is not in his nature he can abstain. If he is firmly rooted and fears Allah's limits and truly knows if he can honor them he will abstain. However if none of these are the case when the words I'm Yours flows off her lips it is game over. No one has your back there are no excuses that you can really use. Well you can, but you begin to run out of them really quickly. The next thing that flows in is rationale and you come up with all kinds of scenarios that see it working. You become more positive than the greatest superhero. You can win at all costs money is no longer an option although just last month you had to work overtime just to eat.

The Quran says you can but you can never be fair, but you CAN. The Sheikh/ scholar says use caution Akhi, but of course you CAN. Your wife tells you I can't tell you no so you CAN, I may leave and take all the kids but really you CAN, CAN, CAN!!! The Muslim Ummah tells you hell yeah you CAN and you don't even have to say shit. So in reality it all boils down to what do you want to do? What do you want to risk? Now when you are in great pain and you are tired then it is very easy to say hell I want to put it all on black and roll the dice. Maybe I will keep it all, maybe I will go bust, even if your wife is yelling in your ear that all will be lost you have this strange surge of positivity saying NONSENSE!! Of course you CAN what the hell are you thinking. You will have them both and you will be rich and everyone will live happily ever after and dance around the rosemary bush on Thursdays and sip pina coladas on the veranda while the children play in the yard on Saturdays.

I was in complete despair and pain and I just wanted some shred of hope to hold onto so I grabbed this rope and begun to fly out of my pit on this kite of dreams. However the reality of my wife's love brought me down from certain death only to endure more pain. Good grief, whatever.

Well I have more to say on this post, but now I am sleepy so we will se what is going on.

3 comments:

  1. I think this is the biggest problem the ummah is facing: so many people saying "YOU CAN", and not enough saying "You really probably shouldn't".

    Again, I wish for the best for you and Sakinah.

    Salaam Alaikum,
    PM

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  2. The problem with that sentence is it is usually the precedent or the antecedent to the word CAN and if the verses quoted are true then that is the only word heard. If the man wants it real bad. His over weaning positivity will only hear the word can. I swear if you ever want to get something done find one of these individuals and put polygamy on the other side and we will have a brave new world.

    Of course you can have another wife right after you cure world hunger.

    Right after you solve the Israeli/ Palestinian conflict.

    Right after you make oil prices cheaper or cars that get 200 miles to the gallon. Do these things and then you can have it and that man will say...OF...COURSE...I...CAN...CAN...CAN.

    And the world will be a better place ...until he gets it of course.

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  3. Salaams Brother:

    I'm glad you're going to counseling. Just keep an open mind; if your counselor is skilled, he will be able to help you arrive at healing insight.

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