Friday, May 09, 2008

Life interrupted

I have been meaning to post for days, but life has been a whirlwind it seems. This weekend I just vegged and watched movies all weekend long. I bowled with some guys from work. I bowled a 124 lost that game by 1 pin. Then I bowled a 159. Not championship material by any means but not that bad for not having bowled in ages and even then not seriously. I guess for an occasional bowler that isn't bad. I broke a 100 both times so that is good.

Things are slowing down now, becoming more surreal. Looking at the things that matter in life and everything that is worth it. Sakinah and I are working things out. We talk everyday, but there is a hang of silence. Can we go on with my obsession of P lingering in the background or should I just let her be free of the possibility and let her find her own happiness? I don't know the answer to such a question. All I know is that I love her very much she is the most beautiful woman that I have every met. She shines wherever she goes. People think she's sexy regardless what she wears even in full niqaab she commands attention. I will miss her embrace if we do not make it. Holding her softly and looking into her eyes. She is my queen and I allowed my nafs to ruin a beautiful thing.

She is always asking me to be honest, and my mother has cursed me so. She asks questions that she shouldn't know the answer to. I made promises and oaths to Allah that I had broken concerning Polygamy and for that I am ashamed, but I still see it, just as clear as morning. It yearns inside of me, sometimes. Maybe it is just a testament of my selfishness. A desire to make my hedonistic tendencies halaal which is impossible. Sex is awesome, but halaal sex is stupendously magnificent. I never want to have sex where I can't say Bismillah before starting. Screw that noise. I've been there and had both and trust me the Bismillah in the beginning is so much more fulfilling. Sex however is no basis for a relationship at all. I have never placed any trust in any relationship based strictly on desire. All of my relationships that have started like this have failed. So I do not trust them at all. Life is much more intricate and fulfilling than sex alone could ever be. Although I am a sensual person and I talk about sex entirely too much on my blog, I am not deluded by it, or at least I try not to be.

Looking at life without Sakinah is a scary thought. A terrifying proposition, but one that I must look at. She may not want to continue our marriage for fear that one day some woman somewhere will knock me over the head and drag me off to the masjid for a rush marriage job. The thought of that may be too much to bear. The other shoe falling, the one next drop of water into the bucket, the last footstep before imminent doom. It truly is a psychological nightmare. A waiting game. The suspense will drive one to insanity. How can anyone endure such mental stress. So she may very well leave me altogether. She asked me to be honest and honestly I would like to try my hand at polygamy. I would. I think I can do it right. I think there will be struggles and hard times, misunderstanding and a growing period but all and all I think I can make 2 sisters very happy. I think I can, and I think it will always be with me.

If she leaves me I will try to convince myself that I shouldn't get married again. I will never love someone so deeply as I love Sakinah. There will be love, but none like this. So forgiving, so patient so totally in love, but I would try. You would be surprised at what the heart can do. I don't know what the future holds. If I get married again I may make an agreement that she can comeback anytime she wants to. I don't know how that would work out, but I would choose her over all of the women in the world. The sad thing is my actions as of late have proven otherwise.

All of the threats and pleas of appease and levity fell on deaf ears. Pain will make you do and say strange things. All you want is for the pain to stop so you will do anything. Fear is not from Allah. It is from the Shaytan, but Shaytan knows how to manipulate either balance. If you fear anything in this worldly life, you will be afraid of everything. If you fear only Allah then you fear nothing and risk becoming arrogant. Both states are hated by Allah and in this Shaytan succeeds time and again.

Today I feel I can suppress my urge for polygamy to appease Sakinah, but what about tomorrow? Next week? A year from now? When we are senior citizens? I don't know. resisting it will be a challenge. She is the last woman I will resist it for however I will not resist it in any future relationships and I know that isn't fair, but it is what I am going to do.

I can't look forward for tomorrow for all I have are these moments before me. All I have is my prayer and my sincerity to Allah and with that I must press on. One day, one hour, one minute at a time and soon Allah will show me His plan. Insha Allah. I love Sakinah I do, and looking back I should have never come out here, but everything happens for a reason, and what that is I do not know. All I hope is that after everything that has happened this year I can come home and put Sakinah in my arms and put one foot in front of the other and walk hand in hand into the future together. Happily married until life is no more.

Have I said all that I can say? About how much I love my wife. I just got off the phone with her and I realized that I may have a serious problem. Maybe I am not happy in my life, maybe it is not fulfilling for me. What things make me happy? People who are not happy deep inside always try to fill that void with stuff and things and people constantly searching for fulfillment and never finding it. I have been happy over here. I have been fulfilled. Well these last couple of months have been hell absolute hell but all and all I can be happy. I think, but I suppose the harder you think about the tough questions in life the more questions arise. Am I a life saboteur? Do I try to make my life seem horrible to get the pity game going? Oh poor Muhammad? What is that all about and why would I do that? Good grief!

We spend hours on the phone her and I and I can't help but to think that we will be irresistible to each other when we see each other. I can't withhold my lips from kissing her. I can't refrain from her embrace. I can't wait to caress her and look upon her lovely face. Her shapeliness, to be entranced in her d├ęcolletage, her scent and the exquisite of her femininity of all that is her. Her wavering between a sultry voice and a sweet yell in the midst of commanding the craziness of our lives. I miss the way she calls my name every five minutes just to hear me answer her. She is perfect to me and completely flawless. I deign to not find fault nor do I wish to seek them out. I know them well, but I am numb to their call. I miss my wife so very much, and I can't help but to think that all of my wanton unfocused desires and the noise therefrom will come to a crashing halt when she smiles at me. For then I will want nothing else in this world except that smile. I love her now and forever. I have never in my life felt this way about anyone I have ever given my heart to.

I love you Sakinah, please forgive me my faults.

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