Thursday, July 30, 2009

Blogs Lost

I've been so busy. I have had blog post run in and out of my mind so fast but no time to write them down at all. Well the latest we are back under one roof... Reconciliation? I have been cleaning and cleaning not tidying up but deep cleaning. Wiping down the cabinets cleaning them out and organizing them. Stuff I should have done when I moved in, but I'm a bachelor so no need right. Then I should have cleaned it before she moved in, but I was waiting to see if it was all a mirage. So she's here. In my space and going crazy at the mess. 50 million more knick-knacks in the same real estate makes things messy REALLY fast. So my comfortably semi-clean place is now inundated with superfluous stuff, hers and the kids. So the cleaning and the straitening have taken up most of my time and not left a lot of time for talking and bonding. My fault yes and no, but I suppose my cleaning efforts leave a lot of make up bonding to the wayside.

The first night back she slept on the couch. I was a bit miffed, but committed. The second night was a little better I slept on the couch with her. The third night I slept in my bed and she joined me in the morning. The fourth night we are apart again. Now we are on the fifth night she is sleep on the couch with the kids. I have just returned from watching a movie. An ex is on her facebook page. Mine too so I can't be too snooty or nitpicky. Is this reconciliation going to work? I don't know she wanted to talk today about so many things but I went to that movie and now she is sleeping and she needs it because she didn't sleep last night. We are both waiting to see what happens, well that is not really true. I suppose it is more like divvying up a slice of cake when someone asks for it and giving a sliver and asking is that enough and then giving a little more. She gives a little and waits to see if that worked and I give a little and wait to see if that worked and it appears that we get glimpses of hope that it is going to work and then we see something that tells us it isn't and we get discouraged. So it seems to me. She meets me at the door when I get home and I don't recall my response, maybe I am not animated enough and it appears like ambivalence so then she retreats to the sofa where she disengages in front of the computer. I then talk about anything but us and we take away from it something antiseptic.

On the Third night I was very hopeful, but subsequent nights don't encourage me so much. So what am I to do? How excited can I really be and what can I show? I don't know I can only try harder while she is trying and hope for the best.

The effects of my IDGAF attitude have reached further into my Ruh than I previously imagined. IDGAF is a safe place to be for someone who has gotten hurt so deeply. It allows whatever happens to you to roll off like water. However it has its consequences. If you take on the IDGAF attitude then you stop caring and everyone suffers. Your kids, your Deen, your job your life. So here I am breaking the chains of IDGAF and trying to actually give one. If I succeed it could save my life. It was so serious that I basically invited a man to blow my head off. Had he the gumption I'm sure he would have done it. However threats of death only really work towards people who are actually scared of dying. If a person wants to go then they are just words, empty promises from disgruntled miscreants. I'm still here so me and this heart thing are going to have to work things out. I just hope that I can do something about it before she throws in the towel. Kind of like winning the lottery seconds before dying. However if she does tomorrow will keep on coming whether I want it to or not, happy or sad it will come.

Now enough of the doom and gloom. I'm not depressed right now. I'm struggling to revive my heart and shine through the doubt and mistrust. Harder than just saying "Ok babe I'm even better than before and I love you isn't it great". Somehow not quite that easy. However if we try we will make it. I'm sure.

Think positive, be positive trust in Allah and insha Allah it will all come together, and I feel that if it does then our marriage will truly be FireProof. What are those steps again? Sorry for my grammar guys.


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