Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Fears Realized

I know my wife and the ball is now in her court. I'm saying the same things that I have been saying for months. My heart is dead, BUT if you are willing to put things back together then I am willing to work WITH you, something that I haven't reserved for anyone else on this planet. I'm hurt and mistrustful of her but that is all something that I will have to suck up once the ball is in play. I would have to be committed and I was asked to do a milestone and I did it. Now all of my kid's clothes are out of my house and into hers and she has cold feet. Hmm Fears Realized, But there's still time. August 10th is just around the corner and at that time this pendulum will be broken. Whatever pain was inflicted will have to just heal. Whatever was believed will become fact whether it was true or not.

I see her point and her fears. My fears I have explained to her in great detail. As fears they don't take on the most cordial conveyances, but that is what they are. Will we make it? I don't know, but for now I've done my part and I am waiting on her move.

A Dead Heart is one that is impervious to pain. It is not really concerned with relationship stability, faithfulness, or loyalty. It is a SAFE place to be in the relationship jungle, but it has its weaknesses. In my case it affects my relationship with Allah, my family and friends and my desire to live life itself. I've already told one person that if they want to kill me just name the place and I will be there. I have my shahada poised at the end of my tongue all they have to do is squeeze the trigger. So although the fortress of a dead heart seems safe it is not really it is actually just sick.

Going back into my marriage I would have to remove the armor surrounding it. Grow some balls and suck up the pain. I was at this point in February and I am willing to dig deep into myself to do it again, but now that the ball is in her court she is giving me reasons to keep the fortress around my heart intact. Granted I have spoken very frankly (insults and sarcasm and all) and she is a particularly sensitive person so it isn't going well, but I knew that. So we have a couple of days so we will see.

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