Friday, July 03, 2009

All things considered

First and foremost I would like to apologize for all of those who link my blog to theirs and it shows the title in their little window thingy. Not the most Muslim of titles that last one. We are taking one step at a time to put our marriage back together. So we are supposed to be getting back together. We both have auxilliary baggage and collateral damage and neither one of us are skipping down Mulberry lane. Her alternative is a nice fully equipped non-arguementative package complete with new rather large house and brand-new car, nanny and allowance. Grade A school district for the kids and full Ikea bedroom sets all around. Me I have a friend who adores me, tries her best and whom I find comfort in. Now we are giving it all up to fix this broken house of cards.

To pull this off it will take Balls of Steel on both sides. The emotionally easiest decision is to just walk away. I had all of the papers drawn up over a year ago all she had to do was sign them. I figured it would be the best thing to do. I would have eventually accepted being the non-custodial parent and probably took an adjustment period. So here I am going back into it, and I say that if it can be saved then let it be saved. I would rather try than not try. However you can't help but to stop to think how real is it. Furthermore what is a good plan of attack to peacefully live out the rest of my days?

So here I am finding myself in a disconnected funk. Not really in any relationship. Yes I can be sweet and loving and caring, but it is different from loving someone because you know how to do it and being in love with someone and letting everything flow. So the arguement waned on where I told my roommate that yes I am a polygamist. I took this position after it all started, because when I realized that my marriage was over it was the safest position to take. No surprises, no less than honorable manipulations just say it like it is and let the chips fall where they may. If by chance I ever happened to fall IN love then I could modify it at that time or just let it be what it is. If I ever got married then I could be free to live with everyone on the same page. I never looked for a second marriage, but if one came along then there would be serious consideration before proceeding on. It would always be what it always was an option that could be taken IF it fit with my family.

However at this point, being alone is the safest place to be. I've learned more on my journey. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, Allah knew that and that is why we have those rules, but no I thought I was different. I wasn't. So I know not to invite people to come and stay with me, unless I am already married, or they are male, because as honorable as I wish I was it just ain't that simple, for me. That AND being depressed was a recipe for disaster. However in that you find what it is that you need and although you know the relationship is only a port in the storm it provides a rest and so it is easy to take that rest. Then the only thing you can say on the otherside is sorry. Sorry for being so sweet and thoughtful and affectionate. Sorry for thinking about you, sorry for being selfish and proving to myself that I am not a monster. Sorry for taking you in and providing you shelter and then violating that trust. Sorry for being so kind and sweet that you had no choice but to fall for me. Sorry for being myself. However it is what it is. Sorry.

What I feel like where I am at right now in my life is that point in the Matrix where they broke through the machines and went above the clouds for that brief moment of beauty and now they are on the downward arc. That is where I am. I've taken a reprieve and now I am going back into the thick of it all. And yes it still feels easier to emotionally walk away, but I am a non-custodial parent. I know how it is, but I can't say that I've done a stellar job since I've had them this summer, although we've done some really great stuff this summer, Islamically my Deen is on the ropes and I've let Deen slide and just hold on to what I have of Deen and the cultivation of their Deen has been seriously lacking. Goodness all of the crap that I am going to have to throw out when I finally say ENOUGH with the Dunya. For now though I am just holding on to my little piece of rope.

The question that everyone asks is "Is getting back together what you WANT to do?" and that is a great question, highly logical and very essential to the core of the reconcilliation process. "Are you doing it for the kids" and the all essential question "is it Me you want or do you just want your kids". Just be honest and don't lie to me. So I suppose that the purpose of this post is to work that out. Where am I. Emotionally I don't want to be with anyone, because that is the safest place. I'm not fearless with my heart. However I will have to become so in ANY relationship that I decide to go through with. I'm not all in, there is no throwing discretion to the wind and going for it. Each move is calculated. She was asked by a good friend where do you see yourself in ten years and she had two images. One with all of our kids and family around completely restored and the other with all of the material things she ever wanted and she chose family. I see myself doing 30 years in the military, starting over financially from scratch, Treasuring each moment that I can get with my children and learning to do with my life the things that I've always wanted to do, or wondering what thing am I going to do to trigger the chain of events that will land me back in this situation.

Yes it will be lovely to think that it can all be fixed, but I say again that would take Balls of Steel on both sides. I'm sure she will wonder if I am ever going to bring some sister home and be like I'm out when she's 65 years old so I suppose the feeling is mutual. Kind of like we want peace so we make sure we are fully armed equally. That is where I feel we are, and who wants to live like that? So there has to be something greater than me to aspire to. The ideal of family has to be higher than the ideal of myself, because if that was the case I would just have to be honest with her and be like you know I can do bad ALL by myself. What is on the table my kids. If she were to give me my kids and call it good, honestly I think I would just go for my kids and make time for myself whenever I could steal it, but I would have to get it together. That's the safest option for further trauma to my heart. It is the safest, but is it the right option. Going on I believe that I will only be a better person. More tolerant, more forgiving, more patient and definitely braver. However it would definitely be the last time. Kids will grow, that is what they do. They will be fine, they know I love them and their mother. So I take a deep breath hold on to the rope and go on.

1 comment:

  1. sometimes life follows love not logic