Thursday, November 06, 2008

A heart once saved

So tonight I had to get out of this room, so I left. I went to the Masjid and prayed and tried to go by this electronics store but it was closed. Then I went to Barnes & Nobles close to my wife’s house. I suppose it was in hopes of catching a glimpse of her and I stayed a little while. It is 2 miles outside of my bubble so I couldn’t get in trouble. I just figured she might be there tonight. However reality got the better of me and I knew that it was no place for me to be. So I left. Had I seen her it would have only ended in a good heart-shattering and that is just something that I really don’t need in my life right now. So I hauled ass out of there. I have enough problems dealing with my heartache than to try to catch glimpses of my wife.


Then I reflect the fact that there is no more us. She wants me back and my heart wants to come back, but my intellect cannot reconcile the lies, my heart doesn’t really care, but my mind does and it has been that way from the beginning. That is the struggle that you are seeing in me the wavering back and forth between my heart and my intellect. If she would have told me the truth upfront and kept on telling it and never lied to me we would never be here, regardless of how bad the truth was, I believe that. However I know me and as long as I am being lied to, I will be angry and then I know for a fact that this will never work. I feel she has a justification for lying, I suppose if I were in her shoes with her baggage I would lie too, but she knows me and she knows that I can’t operate with lies and where we are now is proof of that. Everything else is negotiable, lies are not.


So I left and I went to Starbucks and paid almost 4 bucks for a poorly made Frapaccino and that is the last $4 I will spend at that establishment. It is over rated. I like Costa Coffee much better, but they don’t have those in the states.


Life alone Yee Haah Oy what fun.

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