Thursday, November 06, 2008

Forgiving Heart

I have been given a lot of good advice over these last few months and all of it have valid points. When my heart inclines to her I am given evidence of why I should stay my present course. I know that without the full truth I cannot go further. Leaving is the safest stance and it is the surest stance for me to take and in many respects the easiest, but it is not as easy as it looks, because I still love her. For those who say that I should leave and not look back because of what has been done to me they have a point. Then there are those who say to stay because you love her and you have a beautiful family together and it would be the best for all involved, and they have a point too. In the end the decision is ultimately mine, but in order to proceed I must have the full truth so that I can internalize it, process it, become at peace with it and then deal with it. Without this I cannot go on. The last time we spoke there were glimpses of it and my heart again inclined, but I stood fast. Forgiveness is not a problem. I have a forgiving heart and my heart has continued to look for excuses for her, from her childhood ghosts to her skeletons in her closet my heart forgives her at every turn, but my mind becomes enraged at the unsettled facts. If she were to come to me and tell me the full unadulterated truth with all of its ugliness then I could take her back and be at peace, but she has to lie to convince herself that the facts do not exist, because that would probably be too traumatic, so I worry for her because I see that she doesn’t know how to heal and I fear for her a hell of recycled pain as this life plays on repeat.

 

I know that I could do anything to make it work, but my displaced truths leave me bitter. If I only had the truth I could truly forgive everything and my heart and my mind would finally be at peace.

3 comments:

  1. Where is your proof that she lied or did something wrong? Was it by WORD OF MOUTH? If she is accused of doing something terribly wrong then bring forth the four witness that ACTUALLY saw what happened. Not what they may have caught a glimpse of or they assume this or that.. If you don't have it.. Stop accusing. Remember Aishah (may allah be pleased with her) and how she lost her necklace and people started making accusations.. we all know how they were punished for not bringing forth clear evidence and proof.

    Everything you keep saying is bullshit. Sometimes I start thinking you are really doing better but you tear it down with this (as sakinah calls it) Rambling blaming bullshit.

    She and You are grown folks. LET THE DUMB SHIT GO!
    This world is Quickly destructing itself. Your children need the protection of both of you and this is too damn petty to make them suffer like this. You and Her both need the protection of EACH other too! For crying out loud.. get off your blaming pity party and make things work.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I need to, but without truth my mind won't process forgiveness. My heart on the other hand doesn't really care, but without my mind in unison it will be an ugly mess because it will regret, and be angry and just plain furious. You don't seem to understand that I just get so mad at her when her mouth is moving and nothing but lies are coming out. There is only one time in my whole life that I ever wanted to hit a woman and it was the time she was sitting there lying to me.

    And proof, well I have proof that she lied to me. That I have and that is the seed that this tree grows from. Do I still love her yes I do more than I have or will love any woman in the world and I still do, but the lies, have built a house of mistrust to the point that she would probably have to bring her writing angels and choke the snot out of them to speak up on her behalf.

    Do I want to save her yes, but that would not help the situation. At the end of the day OUR behaviors haven't changed, we are still the same people with the same fucked up problems and probably both in denial. When I stop blaming I will have moved on or I will have been given the truth. Most possibly our relationship will take the shape of love at a distance. I will call her and check up and we may chat a bit then go on our way. Until I have the truth, I can't move on WITH her. It just isn't going to be worth it for either of us. I have too much anger and resentment and rage that the obvious has been denied so vehemently. That is just the relationship stuff then comes all of the lies that are swollen up in this legal mess. The stuff I have been accused of in this are absolutely ridiculous and flagrant lies, but hey that may be a matter of opinion, but I would like to know when exactly I said the things that she said I said. So yes we are grown. I need to move on and stop sitting beside this dead thing that is my marriage. It is gone and it was beautiful and reconciliation is a choice that was not made and my issue now is as it has always been, sacrificed for the truth.

    ReplyDelete
  3. When it is asked of me what was the cause of the demise of my marriage my response will be lies and that will be a true statement whether she or I am lying. Ultimately the end result is lies. If she is lying then it will be that the situation is as I perceive it whereas all I want is the truth and she refuses to give it to me so that I can successfully move on, but I know without it I can't be the husband that she wants, EVER that is how necessary the truth is for me to function properly.

    If my information is faulty and the streams of my information are all lies from word of mouth and physical evidence and her word is the truth. Then it will also be true either way the power of lies is a destructive power that can only be fought with the truth. This can all fade away with the truth, but I will not sleep without it and to go on without it resolved would be a lie that will fail completely. Without the truth it is like protecting a sheep in a pack of wolves. It is like trying to set sail in a colander, that is our situation and if the truth isn't going to be brought forward and dealt with it is impossible to realistically go forward.

    I should just shut the fuck up because the truth is not going to come out of this and just accept the reality. Ok this is my last post about my marriage. I'm moving on.

    NEXT...

    ReplyDelete