Thursday, November 20, 2008

Chain Emails

You know you get them. One of your friends has to send them to you so I got this lovely story the other day from my cousin and I won't post it here because it isn't all relevant just the sign-off had that sticking flavor.

'Work like you don't need the money,


love like you've never been hurt, and


dance like you do when nobody's watching.'

It is the second one that really gets under the skin. Knowing that I love my wife, hating this fucked up situation, and trying to live the rest of my days. I am usually fine when she doesn't call and I would probably be doing worse if the no-contact order was lifted. So how do you go about loving like you have never been hurt? Especially when you are still hurting. Some of it is probably my fault. I keep wanting closure, she keeps saying she wants to put this whole ugly mess behind us. A big part of me wants to. I want to drink myself into a stupor (and I can't stand liquor) and just pretend this is all a bad dream. However there are just too many facts for that.

I don't want to start over. I don't want another relationship. I don't want to get married again. She is not going to give me my kids. I won't get married again. I'm done it hurts so bad, there are just some things that you can't fix. I can't be that husband again. The only thing I can be is a father. So I have to try to do the best that I can. Right now I just really miss my kids.

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