Where will I go from here?

We are so funny it seems. There is always something between us. One leans and the other is a solid wall and then time and then the other leans and the other is a solid wall and then time. And so it is the melting away of a relationship. Until it becomes a memory. A collection of beautiful things that was destroyed over something very stupid and then it is romanticized into something that it wasn't. So I talked to my cousin at length and I began to remember and my heart began to soften and I began to say maybe I will forget, it will take work but it can be done, ok I'll give it a try and what do I run into the wall that she put up to cope with our last conversation, which I can't fault her, but it is what it is. So it looks as though it is stumbling towards where it was headed in the first place (insert tongue hold here).

So my reduced lunch is over Mom says enough sulking and now it is time to pay the rent, so that means it is time for me to get a second job. Which I should have done long ago, but then long ago was a great deal of hope, but either way I have to move on. So I look at the real tests beginning to start. First of all I'm a HO Well not really because Hoes have no scrutiny they are like sprinklers and try to wet everyone. I am a freak though and a faithful one at that so what am I going to do. I am in a precarious situation. There are the sexual urges which have subsided a great deal thank Allah, it would really suck if they were raging everyday. Then I would definitely fail the test. The nature however is still there, but it is problematic because I first of all have made Tauba against pre-marital sex so that door is closed. I'm not one to use people and I tend to be the marrying type so free dating is closed because I usually try to seal the deal with a commitment and probably prematurely. Wow so I see how your windows get smaller as you get older. You dispense with the bullshit early on and state clearly and succinctly exactly what you want out of a relationship. Maybe I will do what always works for me. DON'T LOOK or I could ask Allah for exactly what I want and I suppose if he felt that I would slip into the clutches of debauchery he would send me someone who was good for me.

I'm not wasting my time on such nonsense. When I'm ready or when I can't take being single anymore Then I will ask Allah, but until then I only ask to be saved from my most twisted thoughts. I seriously don't think I'm going to do the relationship thing again, but who knows I just know that now is time for me.