Monday, January 19, 2009

The end of fantasy




Sakinah and I had a long talk and I just told her that there just isn't any more me. It isn't personal it is just that the pain is so deep and broad. It has wiped out all fantastical dreams of a beautiful relationship. Relationships that are carefree and committed and secure from outside harm. I no longer have any idealized views of any women on pedestals coming to complete my Deen. No hijab garnished beauties to accentuate the holiness of life and the struggle to grasp righteousness. It doesn't matter anymore. Hijab no Hijab it is only a piece of cloth. Abaya or Jeans for what is truly real I can't see, and in reality it has nothing to do with me at all.

She wants to get back together and I am fine with that, but I am not moving into her place for reasons that are very personal and painful that I am not going to list.

I have no more romanticized views of life. I have no more assumptions of the way things are or are not supposed to be. I can only be me the true reality is that there is only me and Allah in this existence everything else exists to test that relationship.

Relationships, well to be honest I don't want to be in a relationship at all. I have very little patience and tolerance and I am currently holding the door open for one human being and that is Sakinah and if she doesn't want to walk through I am perfectly at ease with closing it forever. There are no dreams of happily ever after only the true reality that every day is a test. Is it better for my kids? Who knows, is it best for me or her, who knows, but essentially does it really matter? Does it really matter?

Life goes on one day at a time slowly and surely inching into the future. She gets so sensitive about my lack of excitement at going on and I tell her it is not personal and truly it isn't, it just isn't there. There is just me and my Deen and that is the true reality. The truth of life is that you are here alone and no one else really matters and the only thing that matters is your adherence to the Deen and that is the determining factor. Your struggle is between you and Allah everything else is just a distraction.

Maybe it takes until you get 40 to realize these things, and I don't want you to think that I am being pessimistic or negative, I'm not, I just realize things are just the way they are. They just are and you have to deal with that reality.

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