Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Looking inward

It is extremely easy looking at the other person's problem. It alleviates you the need to look into your own mirror and come to grips with your own reflection. So I find myself so ill-at-ease coming to grips with this decision, it is a difficult decision for me, but sometimes you have to think about the common good swallow your pride and move on.

So in looking at myself I have to ask the question; why do I want polygamy? It is a serious question that I must ask. What are MY problems in this relationship? Where did I go wrong for if I do not ask these questions then I will undoubtedly repeat myself, whether we get back together or not? Am I opposed to polygamy; no I am not. The question is though why do I want it and more importantly for anyone that I am going to be with, will I live without it. If I get back with Sakinah it comes as one of the stipulations, to live with out it. So why do I want it in the first place? I used to think that it was sexual, but it isn't. Yes I am a freak and there are sexual things that go with it, but it isn't sexual. I think it drives to the deep seated aversion to lack of family and imposed loneliness that I experienced as a child. As an only child I suppose I reveled family, a wholesome bond of togetherness something that I was lacking as a child, a cohesive supportive structure of brothers and sisters in a healthy thriving relationship. Past the sexual or rather not past it because it is included I have a deep desire for closeness, deeply intense closely knit personal relationships that are seated in the physical. I have an intense desire for touch. I communicate with it as a balance for my silence. I use touch to convey feelings and emotions that I often don't speak. It is much easier for me to show someone that I feel for them through touch rather than going through all of the trouble of formulating sentences to convey an idea. This touch communication is expressed in tight hugs, caresses, kisses, gropes, cuddling, ass smacks and yes sex. Where polygamy comes in I suppose can be expressed in a desire of constant touch, to lose myself in the constant touch of the opposite sex. I suppose this is also an underlying reason why it is so difficult for me to formulate close relationships with men. I don't desire to touch them in any way so it is completely intellectual and therefore impervious to the submission of my vulnerabilities. With women it is not so, because I FEEL I can convey a lot through touch rather than through a lot of talking. So my relationships typically go that the woman typically does all of the talking or most of it and I in turn communicate what I am feeling through touch, cuddling and what not. Which isn't truly communication, but it works, but there are times where this lack of high level communication causes problems or the necessity of high level communications are needed and are replaced conveniently with the communication of touch.

So maybe it is that desire to lose myself in female femininity and to retreat into warm loving faithful arms and a deep embrace. Regardless of how many women I have ever included in any of my fantasies the relationship has always been one that was very close, extremely close. Same house, same compound, same bed, covered with touch, mutual raising of children and a lot of them, peaceful and cooperative.

As an only child this fantasy relationship became my escape. It included my sexual, and life fantasies and allowed for the touch relationships that I needed albeit imagined. So now I need to state the obvious can I live without polygamy? The answer to that question is yes. Will I always want it? Yes I suppose. I don't right now, right now I don't want anything. If I get back with Sakinah I will lay it down forever, but if not then I will pursue it, or at least be very open and honest about it whenever I decide that it is time to jump back into the relationship waters. I think I would gladly take a break from relationships for a couple of years. I would be fine with that.

Well it is time to go to work so I will end this for now and continue to ponder on this later.

PS: To the WNN (Women's News Network) help the situation by keeping your opinion to yourself.

1 comment:

  1. Salaams,
    Although I am a chick I'm not part of the WNN, I'm gonna comment. Delete as you like, lol.

    I agree, more can be said with touch than hours of words. It can take forever to properly say what I mean (and it's usually proceeded by hundreds of useless words) and I usually don't get out what I really mean anyways. Most of the time the same thing can be said by some form of non verbal communication.

    I think it's wise of you to understand that while non-verbal cues can be as useful as verbage it's important to occasionally force ourselves to verbalize things.

    Anyways, it sounds like you are less depressed and insha'Allah things are... better. I'll keep you and yours in my dua.