Saturday, October 18, 2008

Being at peace with truth

A lot of people chide me on my current I'm a polygamist stance, they may think that I've thrown away my marriage over a fantasy. However everyone is responsible for their own actions. I accept responsibility in my part in the destruction of my family. However my family is destroyed now so I have to take a long hard look at myself. There are several options that I can choose to take. Get married again and not open up and let my wife know anything about me. Stop blogging publicly and become very reserved about who I really am. Resist my temptations and focus my energies elsewhere. I could do that. I could choose not to get married again at all remembering all of this pain that I am now in. I could choose to beg Sakinah to take me back, or accept her offers and I have thought seriously about it. Every time I do though something happens to change my mind and keep us on this present course.

Why have I taken a stand and come out and openly said that I am a polygamist? Well there are several reasons involved in that decision. First and foremost it has been a subject that has been scapegoated in both relationships. In any relationship there is hardly one factor that causes a breakdown. My first wife and I had problems long before polygamy. We had communication problems and finances were also an issue. That breakdown raged on because I couldn't talk to her at all. I couldn't have an exchange of words and I refuse to talk over people so our communication was one sided. Then it broke down which exacerbated when polygamy was mentioned. It has been a long time so I am not going to get in on the intimate details because at this point frankly I don't remember them. Sakinah and I had different problems, but those problems where there on the underlying surface. We were working through them and polygamy wasn't that big of an issue because we had an understanding and an agreement and I kept my end of the bargain.

Now looking at going back into the marriage pool somewhere down the line I choose to take the position that I am in because I don't want to go through this again. I feel that if I never get married again that is more than fine. I will be fine and I will be okay. If I do however decide that I am in a position to get married then I am going to tell it like it is. I feel that if I am honest and forthright and upfront about my strengths and my weaknesses then that person can make a conscience choice of whether or not they want to be with me. That goes for everyone, Sakinah included. Then they can decide if they want to be in that kind of relationship or not. Instead of ambushing them with the reality later on down the line. I feel that it is a more honorable position to take than to put someone through this drama unwittingly. I don't see what is so wrong about being honest with myself and others.

What has this effectively done. My marriage with Sakinah is over so it doesn't affect her and even if she wanted to come back she already knows that this is not a secret. My other ex wife knows this so it doesn't affect her either. So the only people this affects are people I haven't met yet that would consider marrying me. So right off the bat it excludes all women who don't want to have anything to do with polygamy. So I won't be hurting any of them. It doesn't affect any woman who is already married. So that brings the number of people that it can actually affect down to those women who are not married and are willing to marry a kind and loving brother who may if he is so blessed by his Creator embark upon a polygynous marriage at some point in the future. If it never happens, then she's got a great husband for the rest of her life. If it happens in 5 years then she has 5 years of happiness and so on. So that would be a personal choice. At the end of the day though it is her choice. It doesn't affect any of the rest of you out there because chances are most of you are already married, and those who aren't married there you have it the facts and you are free to decide what you want to do. Marry him broke or wait until he has money to marry properly, now I'm broke so they can be sure that they have a little time before I get some money. There is no guarantee that I will get a second wife, I may not, but I am not going to represent myself as that kind of person who wouldn't.

So that is my stand. Call it foolish, but if so then chances are I won't be getting married again so it is what it is. If after years of being alone I may become weary of this position and rescind it, but as for now it is my story and I'm sticking to it. If I get married again Alhamdullillah. If I never get married again Alhamdullillah, but I won't be breaking anyones heart by surprising them with my polygynous dreams either. That's my 5 cents on the issue. Peace.

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