Sunday, October 12, 2008

Critical analysis of my divorce

As I sit and look at the inevitability of my divorce I sit and ask myself could all of this been prevented. The answer is absolutely. However now we have come to a point where we are both self defined and as such unwilling to bend in either direction. I know I am not because I bent so much during the things that she was doing and I am not willing to bend anymore. This experience has sharpened and defined myself into a more solidified person who I am. I look at myself now and I realize that I am a polygamist and during our whole marriage I was ready, willing and able to deny that part of myself to appease my wife. So now I have reached a point that I am no longer willing to do that. Because of all of the lies that I have been told. Lies over and over building and growing and spreading and amassing over and over again. So now my quest for the truth has grown more stronger and fervent so much so that I don't want to be attached to any kind of lie whatsoever. I don't want any lies in my relationship. I don't want any lies within myself. It is not about denial because I know for a fact that I have no funds wherewith to get married to anyone at this time. I do not wish to make the mistake of marrying a woman and relying on her promises to help out and then making plans on that information thinking that we are working together. No Allah has made it so that the man has to provide in entirety for the family and the next time I get married I will be in that position. Whether she works at home or she makes a million and a half a day. I am not going to get myself into a situation like I am in now.

When you go through traumatic experiences you run from them the next time you get involved in a relationship. When I married Sakinah I asked Allah for exactly the person that Sakinah is. Minus a few character flaws which I totally accepted and loved her for the person that she is. When my first marriage ended I swore that I would not marry a non-Muslim. I wasn't going to convert anyone. I wasn't going to try to make someone wear hijab. I wasn't going to try to fight someone for their Deen. So I didn't marry the Mormon girl although I am sure her work ethic would have contributed to a small fortune by now. She would have married me I'm sure, but after my first wife left Islam with my kids after swearing up and down she wouldn't I knew I didn't want to go through that again. I wanted a Muslim sister who was firm on her Deen and Sakinah seemed to fit that mold.

Now moving on to another chapter in my life and looking towards marriage I am looking for truth, truth in myself, truth in the foundation of my relationship, complete and open honesty and mutual respect. I can't stand lies and even if you were a serial killer truth more than lies would go a lot farther. Even if you are doing things that you are ashamed of and Sakinah just couldn't realize that. So it was an effective catalyst in destroying our relationship. Then of course was the reasons that she put me in jail the way that she did. So now I just don't care anymore.

I know that my position of being upfront and open about my desire for polygamy will only leave a small portion of women that will be with me. Furthermore my resolve to wait until I can provide the type of lifestyle that I want to lead will probably lead me into my fifties before I get married again, because after this divorce I will be starting from scratch playing catch up on the investment stage in an era of uncertainty.

In all of this I only wanted the truth, but she wasn't able to give me that. She was more content to hold on to a sure thing which never came. So I am done. If she wants to come back then she should know that I am not taking anything less than the truth and I am going to be truthful with myself. So ultimately it is up to her. I am a polygamist and I may never go into it, but I plan to at this point in my life.

Your emotions never change though. I still love Sakinah like nobody's business and I still worry about her, but she burned all of my bridges and so now I am left my only option which is to sink in this reality of divorce. She is too proud and I am too tired. I will not subject myself to be disrespected nor controlled so it is what it is. You can only push someone so far until they snap and I have snapped so I am going to be no less than true with myself, my Lord and people whom I come in contact with. It is my stand. I have ideas that I intend to do and Now that I am going to be divorced and probably losing custody of my children I have to go on and live my life.

Some may say that it is stupid to finally get to a stage of unwavering resilience but I am tired of chasing a lie. I can't stand lies, I hate them and I always have and I will not tolerate them. I have been nothing less than honest and I can only expect the same in return. So that is my position. I realize that my children are going to suffer, but hopefully they will see my telling and living the truth and they can be inspired by that. I can only live my life and I can only be responsible for myself. I'm sure when my finances get back under me there will still be sisters who would like to have a loving and doting husband. An active and engaged father and an honest and upright person of moral character in their life. I will use this time as a study of myself and my opportunities and who knows maybe I will become content in a debt-free lifestyle and take sisters advice and just throw some money at the problem from a distance and just look out for myself. I know that all of my married life I have done nothing but pour my whole entire check into the marriage only to be left looking stupid when I was lied to and then left in the end.

I have 5 kids. I did my part for humanity. 2 sons 3 girls that is enough. If I got married again though I think I would marry someone young enough to have 10 more. It seems that whenever I get divorced I am robbed the critical years that I really want to be involved in. I realize that I really want that. So I can't even say that I won't get married again as soon as I can pay my bills and provide a home. I love kids and I miss mine, all of them. So maybe I will try my hand at this again, but this time I will definitely make it known that I am definitely a polygamist since that is the only complaint that both of my wives had. So I think I will start there first and then go on and get to know the person really well. Work beside them probably day in and out and form a friendship and then seek to negotiate marriage.

Yeah, but this nonsense could have stopped at almost anytime with some real honesty and not knee-jerk reactions and grasping at straws. It is all good. I'm dang near 40 pretty soon I will be one of those old guys at the park waiting for my kids to come by and see me. Then maybe I will die in peace. It is going to be ok, Insha Allah.

Insha Allah

1 comment:

  1. I hear her voice in passing and it still brings me to my knees. I can't stop loving that girl, it just won't stop. My love goes on for her after all of the lies and the nonsense it just won't stop. I love her so much, but I just have to be who I am. I just have to be me. This is too hard, but this too shall pass.