Friday, October 24, 2008

Fighting Depression

When I got divorced the first time I made an oath to myself to not get depressed. I worked out, did things for myself and hung out with guys from work. I was active in the Muslim community and I had a chance to refocus a lot of negative energy. This time has not been so easy. I am on lock down, my movements are restricted. I can't go to the Masjid. I can't see my kids and I am unhappy in my job. I've been reading and doing projects but I haven't been very successful at getting my mind off of the situation at hand. After the court situation is done it should be much easier to battle the effects of depression. I just need to have a positive attitude. After I can see my kids again things will be better as well.

I know she is an upwardly mobile woman. I just want my kids. She wouldn't have to pay child support. She can keep the taxes. She can keep the houses she can keep my pension she can keep everything I have in this life if she would just give me my kids. I don't want anything but them. She can come and visit them whenever she wants I would never keep them from her. My kids are all I have and care about in this life.

I should have never forced her to take them that weekend. She didn't want them that Sunday, she wasn't prepared for them, she had other plans, but she was telling me one thing and was anxious for me to pick them up again. For 6 years she told everyone that we knew that if there was ever a divorce I would keep my kids, all of them even hers and I will still do that. I just want my kids. They are not a burden and I will gladly wake up at 4 in the morning to take care of them, prepare their lunch and get them out for the day. What does she want me to sacrifice?

With my first wife I was very compassionate, she had gone through a terrible divorce before and we had made agreements that I believed her in. Only to find out later that she lied. However she will have to face Allah for that. She made an oath and I left it at that. Then she turned on her oath so I am very leery about that again. I don't have my children however now so I will have to face that reality. The truth is that the last arrangement that she proposed works for me. It sucks but it is much better than a lot of other arrangements so I am happy with it for now. I hope that it doesn't deteriorate from here though. Insha Allah I will be able to see them at other times outside of this situation. So I will make it. The only thing that I really have to worry about is losing my job. That is the only thing that is a problem. So I need to make a transition from a couple of different states. Married to single, family man to visiting parent, Dual Parent to single-parent changes in life come at us and we have to deal with them.

Depression is a tricky animal, but I have beaten it in the past and I can beat it again. You have to be careful though because the pain that you feel and the reality of a life that you once had can always through you back into full depression. It can be something as small as a call or an email and then life is back in turmoil. Now though is nice, I don't return to it unless I check her blog or the pictures of our life come up on my computer so I just need to take that down. So I am working on that. Soon it is going to all be over. She is willing to just agree so it should go by pretty smoothly. I will beat depression. I will things are going to be good. I just look forward to getting this thing off of my foot now and taking my picture of the Sunset. I will make a day of that. Maybe I will get both sunrise and sunset and make a day of it.

I do have to get out of my room though. That is depressing in and of itself.



    anonymous said...
    Assalamu alaikom, Sister you are not brain dead. I think your love for him is genuine. It is his idea of love that is messed up. He keeps going on about polygamy, and now he is going on about your "Coping Mechanisms" ie. Your friends. He wants you to be so stuck up his ass you would never see day light. Nothing wrong with a tad bit of jealousy but his jealousy is WAY beyond normal. It is so much that he is driving him own self crazy and blaming you, when it is his fault.

    Obiviously he didn't learn much in his domestic violence classes. He still doesn't realize that most of his actions and words are that of an abuser. He is still abusing you by way of his blog.
    He just wants to be the one who gives orders and everyone follows. He gets to toy with the idea's of having other women and demand this or that. But he doesn't want you to have your friends. He comes online and throws way to much business out, telling us islam wont let him reveal your sins but yet he drops clues of his accusations everywhere and tries to paint a horrible picture about you, while he plays the poor pitiful role seeking sympathy.

    Another thing I notice is sometimes he is ready to make a go for it and make this marriage work. GETTING YOUR HOPES UP and then he knocks it down and shows the world his dysfunction. This is ABUSE. Getting your hopes up and then WHAM he lets you down again, knowing this will hurt you.

    And he blogs everyday talking to 5 million people about you and him. This is his so called coping mechanisms. But he gets upset over you having a few friends to talk. WTF is wrong with that man?

    Honey it is not you that is retarded.. IT IS HIM!

    October 23, 2008 6:13 AM

    I read this in the comment area over on Sakina's blog. I think I am starting lean toward the same conclusion this person has.

  2. You are most certainly entitled to your opinion. The important thing is that I know who I am and as long as I know who I am I can make important choices concerning me. Other people need to know who they are so that they can make important choices concerning themselves. If I am honest with myself and I am honest with others then the involvement of others in my life should be taken from a form of mutual knowledge.

    I know that I was wronged and that wrong hurts. I know that I was lied to and that also hurts. I know that I was honest in expressing my feelings and I feel that was dismissed and that also hurts. I know that I expressed clearly and succinctly my feelings and concerns and I expected in return reciprocation which I did not receive. So you all are on the outside looking in and you only have one side of the story mine. You don't have both sides and only a small and select few of you know who we are in person, so any authoritative evidence of who has done more wrong with the information that you have available to you is severely limited to effectively keep you from forming any kind of intelligent opinion. If I said more which I choose not to then you would be in a better position to make a judgement but you are not.

    I do not hold your judgement against you and neither does it truly affect who I am or what I have gone through. I know what happened and that is all that matters to me, which is the only important person concerning MY feelings.

    From now on though I choose to be honest with everyone and specifically and to great detail tell people exactly what it is that I am feeling so that they can make a truly informed decision. So conclude as you may, you are most welcome to do so.