Monday, October 20, 2008

Break up Language

My wife wrote me a letter today that was short and sweet and it pretty much said leave me alone forever. You don't want me or to do anything to make it work again just talk to me about the kids, so long see you bye. I can't write her back, but I can tell all of you.

Well in all honesty that just isn't true. I do miss my marriage, I was happy I was whole I was dedicated to living the rest of my life with this person whether or not polygamy ever came into the picture or not. She has done outrageous things to cause me an unmeasurable amount of pain and honestly it would be wise to just walk away, but after all of the pain and all of the lies and all of the backstabbing things and control freak mechanisms that she has extolled to get her way at the end of the day my heart the one that is falling out of my chest, doesn't really care. That is just to be honest and truthful about the whole situation.

Funny thing love isn't it? I guess you have to come to a point between sanity of life and the insanity of the relationship and then you have to decide what you are going to do. I haven't talked much and she hasn't been patient, but that is fine. I'm not being wishy washy about it. I'm hurt and I definitely don't want to go through that nonsense again or worse. Maybe this isn't love at all, maybe it is some kind of dependency like crack or Ice or something much more sinister.

Well to say it out loud, I do love you and I do care, but your coping mechanisms I can't live with. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my kids and how much I want to be apart of their lives and I don't think about coming back just so that I can raise them. Women all over the world do it and bear their circumstance. If my kids are really that important to me I should. I know she knew that without my kids there would be no considerations of this nature. No wavering of heart. I wouldn't think about the greater good of the world, I would just let her enjoy her freedom in peace and let her do whatever it was she really wanted to do with herself and not get in her way and definitely not come between her and her endless amount of friends. However I don't have my little ones and so I am stuck here in this roller coaster of emotional control. I miss my kids and that is the truth. I miss my marriage too, but in light of the current mountain of facts in front of me and the jarring lies that have been told, I can live without that for the rest of my days, but my kids I cannot live without for another minute. I miss them so much and I can't bear to be without them any longer. I love my kids.

This divorce game works the same way the world over. Promises are made and then broken and then made again and the distance and the circumstance of life draws the family further and further apart. New opportunities, new duty stations, new relationships all culminate in a further breakdown of a house broken down. We may mean well, but it is the nature of the beast. Maybe I'll adopt some kids in the future when I get back on my feet. There won't be a mother to take them away and I can raise them. Maybe I will be alone for the rest of my days and become a teacher so that I can watch kids grow and learn. Maybe I'll become a surrogate parent and raise someone else's kids so that I can enjoy at least once these precious years. Maybe I will go on craigslist and become a rent-a-dad, but I couldn't charge. I miss my children, and I don't want their individuality crushed by this schoolhouse that Rockefeller, Carnegie and JP Morgan built. To turn my kids into drones of a heartless society, constantly looking for the favor of strangers and never once finding themselves a senseless emptiness on the barren wasteland of America. It is happening already as they are imprisoned in the homes of babysitters they don't know, Schoolhouses that have no outlook for their rich personality. They have been stripped for the first time in their lives the love of a love filled home and I can't stand it. I miss my kids, and I miss my vision of marriage too. I was completely and utterly fooled. Oblivious to her coping mechanisms in their vast entirety. I was a happy fool and I was completely blind and now that I can see I am forced to weigh the reality of my relationship with the love of my kids and decide where I am to go on from there.

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