Let go
I'm done, I've let go. The last little bit of withholding has passed. Now I wait to get this thing off of my foot and some kind of visitation with my children. They are going to a school that I don't want them to go to, but hey maybe I will start all over again at 40.
I talked to a good friend tonight who is in a similar situation as mine and he told me to stop holding on and just let it all go. Yeah my kids are not where I want them and probably not living the life that I want them to lead, but at the end of the day that is their problem Allah gave them that test. I can only be the best father that I can be and make every moment matter that I am with them. Now I just have to focus on me. So that is what I am going to do.
So now I walk alone. Doing the things that I am going to need to do to get my life back together. Pick up the old pieces assemble them nicely and move on. Two marriages gone down the drain. I think sometimes that I would get back with my first wife, but she hasn't changed really. She's learned quite a bit, but she is the same person, still her old ways persist. I haven't changed either. I'm still a wannabe polygamist. So the next time I get married and I think I will just say that right up front and let it ride. Hi my name's Muhammad and I'm a wannabe Polygamist. Then if a relationship starts Alhamdulillah and if she says he's a great guy but I can't hack that polygamy crap then Alhamdulillah. I will just focus on my kids and call it good. If I never get married again I pray to Allah to maintain my chastity and so far it has been going good. I haven't spilled the soup, which for some of you it is no problem, but for me it is a big deal. Maybe I will put up a personal ad somewhere after I get my finances back under my feet. Right now is just me time since I don't have my kids.
Maybe I'll learn how to be a friend, a son and a gentleman. I have agreed to Sakinah's terms of divorce and custody, unless she went and changed them from what she was asking for at first so this should go by swiftly. All she has to do is call a meeting to the table so that we can finish this and get it over with.
So yeah I am a polygamist. If you know yourself and your weaknesses then you can cut down on quite a bit of drama. Hopefully. Be true to thyself, know thyself, to thine ownself be true. I'm Done.
Peace
The truly sad thing is. I still love her like nobody's business. This has been a hard road, but all roads must end.
Brother Muhammad,
ReplyDeleteHave you ever tried visiting a psychiatrist / physician?
Having followed your blog for more than a year now, I've been thinking that polygamy is not a problem, but symptom.
Did you have a personal trauma in your childhood?
How about hormonal problem (=libido)?
I can understand that people might be entitled to have fantasies,
but to be willing to sacrifice you sacrificed -
A loving, beautiful wife plus a warm, loving family (4 kids!),
and another wife before,
and a forwardness to the possibility of never getting married again,
doesn't sound too normal for me...
Please kindly think this over...
Wallahu A'lamu,
May Allah grant us all wisdom.
I may just start going to counseling when I get this thing off of my foot. My desire for polygamy doesn't have anything to do with sex or at least very little. When I look at the Deen and life in general in its current state of affairs I see a systematic problem. One that I have an avenue of something to contribute to and with an activist spirit I wish to be involved in a catalyst of change. Maybe delusions of granduer, but I see myself helping the overall situation rather than hindering it, depending on how I live my life.
ReplyDeleteYes I do have fantasies and fantasies are normal to have for everyone. When I left my home after the first polygamy incident I was done. I had no intentions of going into polygamy again. My sex drive remains the same as it has always remained. Very high, but I don't see that as a problem if I am fiercely faithful. There are other means to calm that beast if it gets to be too unruly. I think it gets into what can and what can't be talked about. If my wife had presented me with what I could or could not talk about then I would have left it alone. When she brought it up when I was in Bahrain I asked her point blank why she was doing this and that it didn't have to go there, but she insisted she just had to know and to be honest if given an avenue openly for polygamy yes I will take it. Today, tomorrow next week, next year, in the next ten years it is something that I am just going to concede to accept as something in myself.
If that is the problem then as a solution I am just going to accept that problem. State that there is the issue and then let it ride. I am a good husband. I am a loving man. I love my children. I am an active father. I want to be involved in my childrens' lives. I am a husband that listens and cares. Is concerned for my wife's feelings.
It is possible that all of my time as an only child and poor interpersonal skills has left me without some of the common sense that is necessary to connect in a relationship in a way that allows me to be who I am while protecting the sacredness of my wife's position. However this is the position of every man who is genuinely concerned for the health of his family in reference to polygamy. None of us want to hurt our wives. None of us want to be an evil person, but the desire still remains and it has nothing to do with our wife at all. Not her performance, mothering skills, sex life, looks nothing it doesn't have anything to do with anything it just is.
With my wife I was more than willing to suppress all of this. I had done so I had kept my word in both marriages. It was the desire that definitely is there and is definitely not going away anytime soon, it was the fact that that desire was there in the first place that drove them to do the things that they did to end our marriage.
If I am honest with you and tell you this is who I am and this is what I want and you say ok, I don't want it then as a husband who is concerned about his family I will then honor that position. I had no problem honoring that position in either marriage. The feeling was still there, but also the honor of my word. If you drive yourself crazy because that feeling is still there and there is nothing that you can do about it then that really isn't my fault. If you tell me that you don't want me to talk about it then fine I can do that too, but it doesn't remove the desire. My wives problem is that they wanted to eradicate the desire completely and there is just no possible way of doing that.
Forget my word, forget my promise they were just bent on removing that desire and that is just not going to happen and no amount of psychiatric treatment is going to take it away. I have been this way for all of my life and I really can't see it changing now that I am forty.
My divorce isn't coming down because of polygamy. My divorce is coming down because of lies and dishonesty, methodology of coping with stress and other things that I am not going to mention. I don't do lies, I can't stand them I have always been that way. Which is why when you ask me about polygamy expect the truth. If you don't really want to know then don't ask. The things that my wives did to cope with the possibility of me someday breaking my word and lying to them were unacceptable in my book. However it is what it is.
I think my course of action is sound. There are many women out there who would love a good husband. I am free of stereotypes, all I desire is a good woman who accepts me just the way that I am, who will love me just the way that I am, who will not try to control me, who will not lie to me or break my trust. Who will respect me and my house and my children. I think that if there is someone out there who at the core is a good person then there is a chance.
With my position I am free to marry fisabelillah women whom are unfashionable to marry. I am free to give second chances at love. I am free to offer companionship. Those women who have many children that the brothers look past in the masjid, women who can't have children. Women who are divorced or are less comely than others, Or in general women who just want an honest man that is true to his word and is dedicated to family. I don't see that as being unreasonable.
Like I say it may never happen. The next person I marry may never see polygamy, but I am not making any promises and I am not going to act like it is not a part of the person who I am. I think we all need to stand up and accept ourselves for who we are. I know that if I want to go into marriage again polygamy or not. I need to be able to pay all of the bills. Right down to the maid and nursemaid if necessary, because I refuse to allow myself to be caught in another financial milieu. I know that I have strong feelings for polygamy and if I went into it I should be able to afford it. So contrary to some comments here that state me being irresponsible I know financially what it takes to enter upon this lifestyle and I have told both of my wives that I didn't have the funds to do so, so why sweat it, but that wasn't enough. If I was really serious then I would have spent all of my time looking and exhausting all avenues to acquire the appropriate funds to do so, but that was not primarily the case. It is going to be that way now because I am tired of being broke, I have just about everything that I want and am not in any need of toys.
I'm not saying that I am going to stay single, I'm just saying that I am limiting my prospects to those women who don't have a problem with polygamy and there are plenty out there. Then I can go on in life and be happy and they can be happy and we can all live happily ever after. That is all that I am saying and if polygamy was the problem then obviously this seems to be the most rational answer.
Sakinah could have came back at any time and the polygamy issue would have been dropped completely if she had only been honest with me, but she insists on lying to me so I insist on getting a divorce. Or maybe she is not lying and if that is the case then hey that is going to be my bad, and it will always be a question burning in the back of my head. I still love her like she holds the air that I breathe. I haven't stopped loving her. I won't ever stop loving her, but my love will not concede to lies. With lies there can be no trust with no trust no foundation, without a foundation what is the point of a relationship exercise.
So I have just come to a point of being fed up. I'm just tired of trying to force a square peg into a round hole. It just won't fit so I have resigned to just be myself. I always wonder if things were different what would happen next. I'm not saying that it is over between us. I am just saying that if she wants to be with me at THIS POINT then she like every other woman on this planet will have to accept me EXACTLY the way that I am. I am done making concessions and tying my heart up in knots trying to make it work. I am just done. I am just so done. This could have all been ended with the truth. All with the truth.
That is where I am.
I respect your justification based on social aspect brother.
ReplyDeleteHowever I guess I'm not the only person who remembers this post...
http://moomtaz.blogspot.com/2006/12/mnage-trios.html
"In the end though the root of all my polygynous dreams was the desire for plural wives and plural sex"
I am genuinely concerned of your situation.
I really hope that your life is not wasted in following one delusive whim...
"And when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are thankful, surely I will increase you, but if you are thankless My chastisement is surely terrible.'" (Abraham:7)
Anyway I'm no one to you and you are the one who hold responsibilities of your life...
May Allah guide us all in this trial called life.
I understand your position sister, however at this point there is no salvation for the situation. I remember when I was at the point you quoted and maybe I still am.
ReplyDeleteThat position however doesn't have anything to do with this current situation, from my stand point. I know that if I were to commit to someone I could withhold the fantasy aspect of my polygamous desires. Now however after all that has been shown to me from the choices that Sakinah has chosen to make. I DONT CARE anymore.
I have been more than willing all of my married life to leave polygamy in fantasy land. After all when it is left there it is absolutely free and there aren't any real people causing any real problems.
My current mindset of openly walking into polygamy is at best in all reality comparable to saying I don't give a .... anymore. I'm done I am finished. Women won't be getting in line to marry me knowing that they may have to bring along two or three more girls. But the destruction of this marriage is more than from one hand. I was at a point several times during this journey to reconcile, but from my standpoint it is the lies and insincerity that close this chapter on my end.
My current polygamous standpoint is that if someone will accept me as I am without any changes to who I am then that means that we can make it in good and bad and I am a long way from getting to the point financially where I can get married period. So there may be a long time between then and now for me to get it together. Who knows.
I do know that this current situation could have been salvaged at almost anytime with truth and honesty, but I know that all of you know that without truth, there can be no trust, without trust there can be no foundation with no foundation then there is really no point in pretending that you have something. You are just two people going through the motions hanging on until someone inevitably f...s up. Or worse you live in a half or a third or less of a relationship, coexisting rather than making a rich and full life.
You tell me what kind of marriage would it be if you were forever paranoid and suspicious of new and exciting lies being told. Being humiliated and disrespected at every turn. It is this lack of commitment that I am experiencing that is the catylyst in this down fall. I am not saying what has gone on, but it is more of the same so on my end I am done.
Do I still love her like nobody's business. Yes most definitely. She STILL holds my whole heart but I can't do it again. I know that I have to go, because staying won't do anything but make a bad situation worse. I am so hurt and so damaged and so in pain and so traumatized that this is going to have to be let go and at this point polygamy doesn't have anything to do with it.
I'm done, back to reality. If someone takes the time and patience to walk through my wall then chances are me and that person will live happily ever after. I'm going to live life and be honest to myself and to everyone else and I know it comes to no surprise to anyone here that I have polygamous dreams so why hide it for the sake of some bullshiznits of appearances. I am done, tired of being lied to, tired of being played for an idiot, tired of having my feelings disregarded and maybe this is payback, but you know what I won't have to do it again.
I am done, I am hurt, and my wounds are not healing, pain on pain, hurt on hurt and then sadness, but I will go on. We will go on.
Peace