Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Let's Just get it over with...

The days and the hours are dwindling down. Hopefully I will get to see my children soon. My Domestic Violence lawyer is a loser or at least not very communicative. I need the divorce to go ahead and go through and I don't know what is going to happen to my job. The house that she wants is going into foreclosure on the 2nd. I don't have the money to save it that's going to go on OUR credit. She said she wanted it and I sent her the bills, but she never paid it so I have been trying to save it the best I can. When the divorce is over she will take over payments but I really don't see how just like I don't see how there is going to be any meaningful money left for me or her to pay child support. Which won't happen right now because neither she nor I can afford it. I posted over a month ago that I was willing to sign whatever so that she can go on and live her life in all of the excitement that it entails. Now she is struggling she says reading her blog, but for the last 6 years of our married life she has told me that I was going to have the kids upon divorce and she just wanted to be able to drop by whenever she wanted to and I was fine with that and I still am. For 6 years all the way up to and after the point that I had come home that was the case. She was leaving me with the kids. She wasn't going to take them from me. Had I done things differently I would have had a very different life. I think back to if only her apartment had a key, or maybe if I would have just left the babysitter there at the house I wouldn't be going through this, but Allah has a plan for everything.

I'm not trying to keep the kids from her. I just want my kids that is all that I ever wanted. If I lose my job I will become homeless and just follow her around just so that I can be with them. At the end of the day all of the Stuff in the world doesn't matter. I don't want prestige, I don't want wealth, I don't even want dignity. I just want my kids. If she wants me to take her back that's fine. Just give me my kids. She can even keep her coping mechanisms I don't even care at this point. I just want my kids.

A lot of stuff gets dropped in divorce there are a lot of talks that you could have with your kids that you just can't have anymore. So I think I will start a blog just for them. I will write for them all of the letters and explain all of the feelings that I have had for them and all of the experiences that I missed. This blog stands as a testimony for them when it gets time for them to read it, but this new blog will be for just them. I think I will do that today.

I miss my kids. If I could have done it all different I would have never left their side. At this point I am just ready to get this over with so that I can get on with life. I had hope, that she would have faced some things, but that never happened so it is what it is. Over. I just want to sign the papers now so we can both move on.

I just want my kids.

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