Friday, August 10, 2007

This is how Polygamy is done?

So is this how it is done? There is a giant rumor mill around here about what these four houses are actually all about. There are two basic theories. The first theory is that these houses belong to all four of this Sheiks wives. All four houses are identical except for the pink one. The theory goes that all of the other women bore him sons/children and that is why their houses are white, but the last one bore him girls so her house is pink. That's the first theory. The second theory is that these houses belong to his children three boys and one girl, either way it is very intriguing.

Everyday we pass these houses and we are filled with awe and wonder. The same happens when we walk through the malls and there is one man surrounded by a bevy of women of varying ages. Are they his wives? No one really knows and the only way to know for sure is to go up and ask them, but that would be appropo so the guessing increases, and is subject to each individuals own twisted fantasies.

However going off of the assumption that they are wives I would suppose that this would be categorized as one of the more correct ways to do it. Each wife is represented fairly in size of home and amenities, because all of the houses are identical.

I thought about this. My wife and I occasionally talk about P from time to time, and I reflected that had I been a wealthy man I probably would have went into P without question. Looking at it now I can see the dynamic of how such a relationship would be. Looking at these houses and imagining that in them resides this sheiks wives. (Now that I think about it harder I think that it is probably less likely to be his wives as I wouldn't believe that wives without a choice would choose to live that closely to one another and it is more probably his family that he established a compound for so they could all live together) I contemplate on the dynamic of the relationship that they must have. Wealth can buy a great many things and if one were so wealthy then he could afford to do so, but the quality of the relationship would be different. I look at my relationship with my wife and I believe that our relationship would not be possible had I just decided to up and fill up my quota just because I could afford it. My wife and I have a personal relationship that we cherish very much, and although we reflect on P from time to time that is not something that either of us wish to lose between us.

This post was going to be more in depth but I put off writing it for so long that my thoughts have gotten all muddled so maybe I'll just prod along and Insha Allah I will have something beneficial to say. My point that I wanted to make was I believe that the relationship dynamic between relationships where each party is devoting equal effort to build a unified structure are different than relationships that are produced out of necessity of a thing. Be that thing financial support or station, companionship in the sea of loneliness, or windows of opportunity. Relationships started on those lines don't hold the same weight as the first example. I don't see the bonds building between the couple. Like if I were wealthy and I chose to enjoy multiple women then there really would be very little to stop me. I could fly around the world and assemble a smorgasboard of women so that I could enjoy whatever variety my heart so desired. However the depth of the relationship with those women would be very shallow and disconnected. As opposed to the relationship that I have with my wife which is very connected and cherished. This is what I mean when I said that I don't believe that I would be able to do justice in any subsequent marriages that I would have, had I wanted one in earnest.

When the Quran speaks about you will never be able to do justice between them I can understand on a deeper level what it is talking about. The depth and dynamic of my relationship with my wife is very special and even if I were to marry another woman the dynamic and depth of that relationship is going to be different. It would seem that it would be impossible to be equal to both of them because of the dynamic that is formed or altered between them. If the dynamic between my wife and I changed then I would never be able to be fair to my wife again, and if the dynamic that I have with my wife now is longed for by my second wife it would never be attained. Even if someone were to marry two women at the same time there would be an inequality in the dynamic that formed between them. One would always be more dominant than the other. This is a trait that we can see even in our own bodies. One arm is stronger than the other or what-not.

I would suppose that the secret to P success would be for all to recognize and appreciate the differences in each others assets and attributes and integrate that into the fabric of life, and as long as everyone contributes and everyone makes an effort at moving the family forward then everything would be better than bearable. In many circumstances and in many different situations the first thing that is noted is the change in dynamic between the husband and his wives or the wives amongst themselves. If it were that one sister wished for another sister that which she wished for herself in theory the relationship could then enter a cycle of true improvement where it could eternally grow deeper in richness and depth. The reality however is that fear of loss would nullify many forward advances in that area. My wife for example has entertained the idea of P, however she would does not wish to lose the bonds that we have, nor her position as my best friend. Then there are the insecurities that are expressed. If I were to marry the young hottie there is the fear that I would want to be with that person more, or the older mature woman there is a fear that I would want to chill out and relax with that person more. Then there are all of the feelings of nafs both hers and mine that would come into play into the whole dynamic. Ultimately I suppose that it would be the responsibility of each individual keeping a positive attitude and working towards a positive solution to making polygamy work. I haven't seen polygamy work in Muslim circles, usually it can be attributed to the underhanded nature that it all comes about. Where there is a rift in the lines of trust then that would be damaged and in need of repair, but once trust is broken it remains weak in that spot. It can be mended, but there is still a weakness there.

Reflecting on my own experience chasing P I can tell you that if the dynamic between you and your wife is a very strong bond then it will be a painful experience. The emotions that we experienced were very powerful and at times traumatic, and this is with a woman that my wife hand selected. I could not imagine trying to navigate the situation with someone that I approached or who approached me. I can recall the experience when I was approached by someone and the effect that had. Alhamdulillah the connection between my wife and I holds stronger than any temptations. I believe that this is so because I can tell my wife anything. So I can always confide in her my most darkest desires and altruistic ones. However either way there is nothing hidden or underhanded that she would be surprised with. If I flirt with a woman for the sheer pleasure of my ego she knows about it. If I fantasize about being with someone she knows it (which I'm doing very well I haven't fantasized even a flash image for quite sometime now). If I consider someone as a co-wife she knows it right away so there isn't an opportunity for a hole in our relationship to be exposed. I think that most people get into trouble when there is a burning subject on their minds and there is no one to turn to except their own thoughts, and when that happens Shaytan gets in there and plays havoc with the situation.

Now ask yourself how would you feel if you bring your girlfriend over and your husband says that he would like to have her in a sexual manner, but Muslims usually cover up the whole lust aspect of it and just say second wife. How would you react? If your husband can't do that then you create a hole in your relationship. Now your husband knows you and you know your husband so there is no need to get upset. There is a hadith that addresses this issue. It goes along the lines of "If you see a beautiful woman when you are out come home and make love to your wife." Now if your husband is a looker then that would mean that he would always be on you and that could be good or bad depending on the proficiency of your husband, but there is a tool to keep a hole from being formed in your relationship. If you happen to be of a traditional sense and believe that your husband should only think about you all the time and no one else then you aren't looking at all of the weaknesses that Allah gave man. The weakness of women is outlined in the Quran so wishing and hoping that it were different is a fools idea. Everyman will look at, desire or reflect upon intimacies with another woman from time to time. We are wired that way and it differs to varying degrees from person to person. Most fight it so that it never comes up between a husband and his wife. However for those who fight it but are weak about the issue not being able to relate to his wife can have catastrophic effects. Sexual satisfaction is another thing that can create a hole in a relationship if not dealt with properly. If the husband is having his loving rationed out to him and his ration doesn't coincide with his sex drive then that is a recipe for wanting a co-wife. Sexual frustration is a situation where the subject of co-wives can be inserted. In fact any rift between the couples the subject could be inserted which is why there must be a diligence in terms of keeping communication lines open and guarding them heavily.

Well that is my reflection on P for the day. Usually I don't get any comments but I suppose that people read them so maybe I'll keep posting them. Maybe I'll go over to Safa's blog later and catch-up on a few things, I haven't been over there since her husband came back. PM I know you are reading I thought you were getting divorced what happened? I'd like to know and the reasons why you stayed. I don't have to publish it if you don't want. I have a friend who is thinking about P and he has been married for 17 years so I need a multitude of input and experiences that I can draw from before I talk to him.

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