Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Holes and Pain

Yesterday I finally got to talk to my friend that has been with his wife of 17 years and they are doing the whole P thing. As I suspected there was a hole there. If you are new to my blog and you don't know what I'm talking about a hole is a place in a relationship where there is an issue or a need that isn't addressed and is effectively ignored until it becomes large enough that the couple falls into it. I speak about it in detail in my Refocus Post.

My friend is obsessed with the prospect of polygamy and with due respect as the concept of it for a man can be more intoxicating than crack. When you are a man and you have two women that want you and you have formed a bond with both of them then it becomes a tremendous pull to just pick up and walk away from the idea. Even I haven't walked away from the idea all together it still has track marks in my arm where I experienced the euphoria of entering into such a union. My friend unfortunately has received a weighted dose, because to that woman he is the knight in shining armor. He is the valiant conquerer coming to vanquish everything bad in their lives, and just listening to him explain it I'm thinking like there is no way you can just up and walk away from a mind trip like that.

When I initiated a polygamous relationship in my first marriage I was very wise. I did it under the auspices of saving the Muslim Ummah by establishing sound families fi sabellellah. So I was going to marry this single mom who by all intents of purposes "needed" a strong man in her life and the life of her daughter. She was African-American and we all know how the shortage of eligible black men tragedy is so I was saving the day. What saved me from the full heroin rush was the fact that I was extremely proper in my approach. I didn't talk to the sister outside of asking her to marry me. I mean literally I invited her to a public place, I discussed the issue, she consented and I left. There was no courting, no calling on the down low, no secret romance meetings, no heavy petting, nothing, zip, zero none of any of that. However the incredible Rush, and excitement of her saying yes was almost overwhelming. It was awesome and in reality had I enough money I would have went right ahead and did it. However my Deen got the best of me and I rescinded my offer and that was the end of it. All and all it took about 72 hours. However for me there was not a connection to long after when it was all said and done. I didn't miss anything that I gave to her because I didn't really give her anything.

When a husband embarks on a mission or finds himself in a situation with a woman where he has shared a lot of information then between them there is a connection. Like if it were someone that I worked with on a daily basis or just a casual acquaintance then there is a bond that has formed and should be broken. However breaking bonds once they form is difficult, because everyone that you love forms or takes a piece of your heart, which you can't get back. Even bad relationships they take a piece and that piece is theirs forever and ever. You can't give that piece back and if it is a fond memory you return there from time to time to sit and reflect. There is a song by Jill Scott that kind of sums up that reminiscing feeling it is called Cross my Mind. I like the song it is reflective. I like Jill period but I digress. My friend has found himself in a conundrum where as this person has filled a hole and now he can't readily get her out of it. His wife has said why don't you let me fill that hole, but that spot has already been filled by this other person so it becomes this gnashing of feelings when it comes time to deal with this.

Now my friend is depressed which complicates matters even more because you have to deal with that as a reality. Depression is a serious animal and it would make people act and say things that they normally wouldn't say. So you have a threefold problem where you have someone who is depressed and is making life altering decisions. They have allowed someone else to occupy a space that was supposed to be occupied by their wife, and you have to try to mend a relationship that has a problem and it has been suppressed for a great deal of time and generally ignored. So it rises up to a gigantic mess, one in which there is no easy answer. The process should follow to A. deal with the most serious problem the depression. B. Fix what was originally broken in the first relationship where there is a communication gap or breakdown. C. Take a reality check on the feasibility of is it something that he can realistically do.

I just thought of something of how I can handle this. Everyman has or should have a single-most driving conviction. Something that no matter what he will not compromise. Mine is truth. I cannot stand being called a liar. So regardless of how much trouble I'm in or going to be in if it comes down to being a liar or called a liar I will tell the truth, sometimes brutally (which is why my relationship with my wife is so tight, I can tell her the brutal truth and she lets me tell it without judging me, it is a beautiful freedom). My friend has to have something that is his cornerstone and I need to find out what that thing is and then maybe I can turn this thing all around. I know for him polygamy would do him more harm than good right now, because he has a lot of issues that he hasn't addressed and has summarily avoided altogether.

I actually got to talk to both of them so I have a grander picture of the situation. A woman in pain will let you know everything that is bothering her and let me tell you that the situation is dire. I almost cried when I got her side of the story. She is such a strong woman it is unnerving to say the least to see her in such pain. She is a rib flexed to her fullest capacity, if she breaks the world will be at a great loss, and Shaytan would have made a great victory.

When you have a strong woman and she is leading the show, there are a lot of masculine ego things that can really spoil the mix. If the man has not been a proven leader and steps down out of the leadership role "and regrets it". You are going to have a massive communication break down and tons of closet skeletons. This is the situation here. For so long she has lead the family, and he hasn't been in charge of much of anything except going to work and bringing home the money and trusting that it has been put to good use. He hasn't had a chance to stand on his own two feet because the women have led his whole life. Eventually all of that is going to cause a breakdown somewhere. So in actuality this can be a good thing if dealt with in the proper fashion. He can grow out of this into the person that he has always wanted to be. I can understand because my Mom is a very strong willed woman and pretty much always in charge. I was lucky however to have a father that took care of business. Even though they were divorced I could draw on both of them for strength. If you don't have that figure then what resources do you have to draw on? So it makes it difficult. I think that when he gets on the other side of this he will be a better person all around. I just want to prevent him from doing something he will thoroughly regret in the long run.

I feel that he is still very much blessed because his wife has not succumbed to spite. If that happens then it is game over, pack your lunch and go home. So Insha Allah I will be able to help him keep his marriage and family together. He called me so I will call him back after this post.

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