How to approach your wife about Polygamy?

So who am I? Well for the most part I'm just a Muslim from amongst the Muslims. For my non-Muslim readers out there I have plenty of information that you will want to read. I have been talking about polygamy for at least 10 years now. I have been divorced once where the subject was brought up (polygamy wasn't the head of the problem, but it didn't make the existing problems any easier to deal with). I have approached both wives with polygamy. My current wife I am very happily still married to. I hope to in this post spread some wisdom about the subject and hopefully save your marriage and some feelings if you are not yet married. Now I am not going to blab on but jump right into the meat of the topic.

There are two major pitfalls in regards to polygamy for the man one before the second marriage and one after. In everything the most important aspect is communication. In the beginning the main major mistake most men make is they Lie, deceive, misrepresent the truth, Lie by omission, swindle, sneak or connive. All of these things violate the foundation of any relationship, Trust. Once trust has been violated it is all downhill from there. It is almost impossible to recover from a violation of trust. Even if your woman is exceptionally forgiving when you violate the trust that she has placed in you, you have broken something very sensitive. So why would you do such a thing? The answer to that is simple, you are unable to communicate your feelings or intentions to your spouse. If this case exists then you probably have larger problems brewing than how you are going to tell your wife you want another woman.

For non-married men the issue of polygamy is something that you must bring up PRIOR to marriage. If you believe that you really want to be a polygamist then that is something that your future spouse should know. Chances are you are not going to change, if you want two now you will want two fifteen years into marriage and one day the opportunity will present itself and then what will you do? Hem and haw and probably go ahead or worse, cheat and then try to fix it up later with a subsequent Nikah. If she loves you she may be reserved and marry you anyway. She may not, however that is a decision that you should make before you marry her.

The idea of polygamy never goes away once it is seated, you will always remember it like an old song, word for word (at least the chorus). So you must be real to yourself and your spouse. In all of the conversations that I've had with Muslimahs over the years Lying and Deceit are the number one turn offs. I'm not saying that women sharing their man for the rest of their lives is a turn on, however your honesty does make a large difference. The most important thing is communication. Women thrive on attention and communication without it Shaytan is there to play all kinds of havoc on your relationship Poly or not so talk. If going polygamist is going to throw your woman into a big fuss those are fights that you are going to want to take PRIOR to actually going polygamist. Things are usually smoother once you have worked out all of the bugs and laid down basic ground rules. If you never get to that point then you need to evaluate and reevaluate your situation you might want to read this story here from Safa asking some very serious questions. If you aren't prepared to answer them then you don't need polygamy, Astaghfirallah it would be better for you to go out have your fun and when you find an empty lifestyle repent and then think about getting married. I can't recommend that though because you don't know what you will be forgiven for and what will stick to your neck.

Your ability to be able to tell your spouse anything is ultimately what is the most important. If you want to give up your $200,000 job and move out west to raise guinea pigs you need to be able to say that. You should feel comfortable saying it trusting that she is not going to freak all out. If your relationship is not to that point then you have a lot of work to do. From the masculine stand point polygamy isn't one of those things that you don't bring up because you didn't want to upset your wife, because I guarantee you she is going to be a whole lot more upset when you bring sister oh-so-damn-fine through the door talking about here she is your new cowife honey isn't it great you two can sew and knit together it is gonna be so much fun...NOT!!! That is not going to work and will only start your relationship in fitnah. If you know anything about women you know that they will remember something that you did wrong forever and then some.

I can't stress communication enough even if you don't go with polygamy the subject is a good topic to bring up. Why? Because when women talk about polygamy the are going to tell you all of their sensitivities, needs and wants. These are things that are entrusted to you and how you are endeared to her is how you protect that thing. Listen to this comment:

I know that there are instances where women have been able to forgive and move on after an incidence of infidelity but how do you do that with something that is on-going? The only way that I can see it happening is if there is no 'love' in the relationship. How do you have a real, loving, honest connection during lovemaking without imagining him with his other 'wife'. When can you relax and not wonder if you 'stack up' to the other woman?

What is she saying? Obviously she is concerned with the PRESSURE of competing on a daily basis. Which means your time with this woman if she was your wife will need to be special and your life with the other woman will need to not be mentioned. If you do any comparison in ANY realm she is going to be sensitive to it. What she would need is assurances daily, possibly hourly that you are more than happy with what she has to offer and until she feels that way she is going to have problems. Women naturally compare themselves to each other all the time however the stress of having to do it on a bi-nightly basis can be daunting. It is your responsibility to address that.

Ok now we are moving into the realm of what to do after you get your second wife so we will pause for a movie. This is an example of what NOT to do after you settle in with your second wife.




The next single most largest complaint of those who are in polygamy is fairness and time management. From the video you saw that the husband obviously wasn't being fair in terms of time and affection or attention even. No you have to be fair across the board. Time, Money, Attention to children, Sex everything. When the Quran talks about inability to be fair it if you reflect on the Sunnah is your inability to love each the same level. However everything else you can do pretty well at being equal and fair. Your job once you enter into a polygamist relationship is to be a steward of time-management and resource management. You have to enforce the rules strictly and you have to remember who gave permission to have them bent or broken (although it is best not to break any house rules). If you are not on top of your management of time and resources you will have committed a Zulm (an act of oppression). You don't want to do that.

All of the relationships that I have talked about over these last 10+ years it basically all boils down to these two transgresses, lying and mismanagement of the marriage. That is the Essence of all other complaints that I have ever heard about polygamy. So let me give you some examples from my own life so that you can see. Now I'm going to tell you that most probably the Shaytan is going to sit on your shoulder and criticize the hell out of me, but mark my words if you avoid the simple pitfalls your situation will go a lot better.

In my first marriage I had serious communication issues. I couldn't talk to my wife or I didn't feel that I could talk to my wife. I didn't feel that I could relay to her what my feelings and frustrations were in our marriage and in our lives. Note that this IS the problem. To fix this problem instead of forcing myself to hammer out with my wife what our problems were I sought to escape our problems by marrying another woman. I didn't tell my wife however I did ensure that the sister knew what my expectations were. I later within 48 hours rescinded my proposal and that was the end of that offer. I didn't wine and dine the sister, there was no romance or hot and steamy encounters, we met, we discussed needs and expectations we agreed and we left. Where many brothers fall into pitfalls is that they completely fall in love with someone before they ask them to be their wife, which even if you yourself decide that she is a poison apple you are all the way up in the tree at this point and it makes it very difficult to climb out of that hole when she's saying how much she needs you and she's never had a man as good as you before.

With my second wife we talked about everything when we were courting. Polygamy was one of those things. I told her straight out that I had a weakness for polygamy, and I said that I had already lost one marriage where polygamy was implicated. I told her that this is my weakness and that I would give her the keys to that door in our relationship. She said fine. Now there are couples out there that do talk about polygamy before they get married, however either the male isn't 100% truthful or he believes that he can squelch a desire that has been burning inside him for decades. If you have the weakness of women, if that is your fitnah then you should divulge that. If anything I would lie and say that it is my fitnah to discourage her from doing that rationing out thing that some sisters do which is all entirely stupid. Anyway don't lie tell the truth if you have a high sex drive you will want to let her know in big bold letters that is your weakness. It then becomes her RESPONSIBILITY to protect that weakness in you. I as a man, if I'm sexually satisfied I am a whole lot less likely to stray far from the trough if you know what I mean. Everyman is different however.

Now since I have told my current wife that polygamy or the desire thereof is my weakness and she has the keys to that door it is my responsibility to respect that I gave up the freedom to pursue a polygamist relationship. So what that means is if Halle Berry became Muslim saw me at the mosque and just HAD to have me I would have to tell her to go talk to my wife she has the keys to that department. Why because it is an Amana (trust) between her and I. Any woman coming into the relationship has to come through her and she is comfortable in knowing that. If I were to break that trust and marry some Bahraini girl for instance then I would have lied, and I can't stand to be called a liar. I really hate it. So for me the door is closed. When you and your wife or potential wife discuss polygamy what ever promises you make you need to keep. If you want to break them then you should get permission or not make any promises at all. Women recall facts in vivid detail, men don't so don't even try. If you don't feel that you can do it say that I don't know if I can resist if placed in exceptional circumstances. If that is the truth then you must divulge it. So with my wife and I she holds the keys up to the Nikah, after the Nikah I am entrusted with her feelings and considerations for the family and enforcing the rules that were agreed upon for all parties. Whatever terms that she has laid down prior to the Nikah I am responsible to enforce after the Nikah I have to manage resources.

So let's say you didn't talk about it and now you have been married for sometime now what? Ok just like if you were courting you need to talk about it. You need to go to your wife and have that painful conversation that you want a second wife. I think that it is best to do long before you begin looking for a second wife. It always, ALWAYS crashes and burns after you have someone in your heart. Your wife will tell you where she stands on the issue and if you decide to go ahead then be assured that she will hold you to whatever you promise her. If you can't support both women and have deluded yourself into believing that you can than you are indeed a fool and are doomed to massive failure.

Some may say that me giving my wife the keys to the polygamy door was dumb, or that it is less than manly of me to not be involved in second wife selection or approval, and to that I say that it is an Amana. Polygamy is not fard and there is no use tearing down a palace to build a shanty. What I have with my wife is solid and it has to be protected because it will come under attack. The most important jewel that I have in my marriage is trust and I am not going to surrender it to something that might be valuable.

I hope that this helps anyone sisters and brothers who need to or are discussing polygamy with their spouse/ potential spouse. If I left anything out just comment and I will be sure to respond as quickly as possible.