Thursday, September 06, 2007

Releasing the Answer

Okay folks this is going to be one of Muhammad's sexually explicit posts so if that type of thing makes you gag go ahead and skip this one. I am going to be frank and honest with this question the way that I am because frankly a lot of people skim over issues like this and don't delve into the meat of the issue.

Writing to Release asked:


I am confused, Help me out Muhammed, because you have a high sex drive gives you a reason to take on another wife? What happens to controlling your Sexual drive? So if "T" and I were to get married or go to the next level if he decideds that I cannot perform (in other words I dont want Sex as much as he does) he should have the right to go out and get another wife)? Please you need to really Make a post on this, I need to see this from a mans point of view and I know you will need more space than the comment box.. Help a Sister out with this question that I am yearning to know the answer to.....

Shalom


Now this is an excellent question and one that needs to be answered. First of all sexual frustration in a marriage is a cause of some serious friction. I want to expand here and annotate that sex goes both ways. If the man or the woman isn't satisfying their partner then there are some changes that need to take place and overtime needs to be punched in on the clock.

Release the short answer to your question is yes. The between the lines answer is not so short. I have a high sex drive however all of it is funneled into my wife alhamdulillah no pun intended. She satisfies all of my needs just fine. What you are asking is if T wants it 7 or 8 times a day and a sister just can't keep up what is she to do. Well frankly there is a lot that you can do (getting graphic) there are other ways that he can be pleased that do not involve your sore parts. Hands, feet, mouth and breast can all be used if you are tuckered out. A bottle of olive oil and an imagination can go a long way.

Now there is a point that I want to make here and I hope that I don't forget it. When couples are newly in love they have sex at a higher frequency than couples that have been together for a while. Mainly because the sex routine becomes, well routine the same time the same place the same positions especially after the introduction of children. The problem with this is if your man or woman had a high sex drive before things became routine, just because things are routine doesn't mean that their sex drive has dissipated. It is still there but there is one thing that is lacking can you all guess what it is? Communication yes right on the money.

Sex has everything to do with communication. It is the difference between a good lover and a stink bomb. Now unfortunately because of the way many of us have been raised many of us have serious repressive thoughts about sex and so it is a taboo subject. If you combine that with someone who has a high sex drive you are working your way towards problems, because in essence your man (I'm using man but it is a unisex issue, I'm just tired of correcting the person) is left vulnerable to the one sultry voice that says "I want to screw your brains out." The F word goes more to the point but I'm trying to tone it down. Once that happens he will tag along like the cows on the Home on the Range video. The next thing he will be doing is trying to justify his actions with talks of Giving her the Dawah and becoming Captain Save-a-ho.

So how do you address this problem? Talk about everything and assume NOTHING did I say NOTHING you know what happens when we assume don't we. Also take a sledgehammer and break the routine. If you wait or your spouse has to wait until dinner is done, kids are played with, Bed, bath and books are done. Wait for you to get in the shower to freshen up and put make-up and sex-me-pumps on before the show begins chances are you are going to be finding a sleeping spouse and a frustrated spouse. Break the routine get some right after fajr or qiyyamul layl, right when he comes home from work, in the parking lot do anything but let your sex life get routine. Honey it is 9:35 you have until 9:37 to get yours because I have a meeting in the morning and I need my sleep. That is always a bad thing.

One problem that Muslims have that is unique to the sex routine conundrum is ghusl. I don't know how many times sex has been put off because of not wanting to make ghusl (the obligatory wash after sex). Sisters don't want to have to keep making ghusl after ghusl because they will never be able to do anything with their hair. It is a perm killer. So nine times out of ten hubby is going to have to wait until after Isha to get anything. Which is an appetite for a monotonous routine even if you have sex everyday. Everyone sitting around watching the clock waiting for Isha to come in. Don't do that. There is a ruling on oral sex and men's sperm I want to throw in here but I forgot what it was. It was either if you did it and didn't allow any to touch you is what I think it is. I think that is what it is if you perform oral sex and his sperm doesn't touch you then you don't have to make ghusl, but if he comes either way he has to make it. I believe that is correct because sperm in and of itself is not Najis (dirty) but it gets complicated. Never mind I forget. I'm too chicken to ask those questions at the Darse, I think most Muslims are so they normally ask in private. Anyway it would save you from making a ghusl, but you have to go and get the correct ruling.

Lastly that thing that I wanted to mention and not forget is this. If your man wants sex all of the time it could be A special type of stimulation that he is craving that may or may not have anything to do with sex. It may be a belief that women need to be satisfied all the time or they will cheat. It could be a number of reasons that his sex drive is so high. In other words it may be physical in which case you need to get creative or it could be psychological in which case you need to get them to therapy and be patient.

The getting a second wife issue should fall under the rules and conditions that you have already discussed. He should respect those rules and not do anything to violate trust. In no way should you ever be sideswiped because you should discuss everything with your spouse so you know exactly where they are at all times.

I hope this answers your Non-question as well as your question.

9 comments:

  1. THANK YOU MUHAMMAD!!!! I really did understand that and I see where many men/woman are coming from. T and I talk all the time about this.. I am a Virgin I guess that is why the questions just seem to pour out of me.. I want to know what I am going to get into oneday.. whether it is T or not.

    But anyway Thank YOU I hope this question will help others that come here also..YOUR wife is lucky you also excel in SEX Education... T. Will Love this post...

    Shalom

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  2. And now I am going to stir the pot - what about the needs of the woman - what happens when the woman is more highly sexed than her husband - what are her options - she certainly cannot go ahead and get a second husband to satisfy her needs. I have been married for four years - and the number of times I have been rebuffed I have lost count - in fact I have given up even initiating making love because 98% of the time I get - I am too tired - I need a break - ..... - so what is the woman to do???

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  3. I thought I included the needs of the woman. I said that it is a unisex issue. You must deal with it as you are a protection for him, he is a protection for you and you must demand your rights.

    Try it earlier in the day, but to give you more insight I need more information because each situation is different. How is your communication to start with? What are his work hours? When you make love are you satisfied? Is he satisfied? Do you have children? What is your schedule look like? When is it more likely that you are going to be rebuffed? What is his sex drive like?

    I know a lot of questions so start with what is your schedule like and we will go from there.

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  4. Communication - well I am western he is Egyptian - so .... He works outside the country - when he is 'in town' he is not 'working' per se - mainly catching up on his sleep and balancing two families. Yes when we make love I am satisfied - he is a good student - lol. We have no children together - he has 3 with his first wife and I have one - my 'baby' is 25 and is in Canada and married. My schedule is very flexible - I am 'retired' and trying to make a life here in Egypt. I get rebuffed no matter the time of day - morning, afternoon, evening, nighttime. Suffice it to say his sex drive is not as strong as mine.

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  5. egianqueen, salaam: ooooh girl. i been there. my first husband had this kind of problem, and honestly, after 6 years i simply had to let him go. i'm not advising you to do the same, but a man who does not sexually satisfy is grounds for khula/divorce...

    some interesting hadiths and/or fiqh says that the minimum time a man must sexually be there is 4 months--although this is not a universal ruling. another says that women have 10times the sexuality of men, but 10x the modesty which is a balance.

    if all other things in your relationship is good (mine was not in my experience), maybe you can cherish and anticipate the times he is willing. can you schedule it??? Also, there ARE some herbs and dietary changes that can increase his urge. Does he have any chronic conditions?

    masalaam,
    imani

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  6. Queen I would say just looking at the surface of it the primary inhibitor is stress and possibly age. The only thing that ever affects my sex life is stress and over concern over bills and keeping it all together. I would assume one of the primary motivators for marrying you is to escape the reality of a wife and three children and all of the intricacies that come with that. So what I would do is make your home a resort. When he walks past your threshold he should be able to forget about everything else outside and just relax. Bring him in and take off his shoes (I'm pretty sure they come off at the door, but bear with me) sit him down rub his feet and don't ask him for anything except what does he want. Keep your lights low and don't engage in any heavy conversation on the first day that he is back, because men tend to brood over things trying to work out a solution to it, and that is all that they can focus on. When they are courting sex is an outlet when they are intricately responsible for the relationship with their wife/ wives things get more complicated and there is no escape it is all reality.

    Try to talk to him on the second day assuming you got yours on the first day. Don't talk to him until you get some, just let him relax, once you talk to him chances are it is all over. Let me know if that works. If not I will need more information.

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  7. Release being a virgin is something special. If you talk to just about anyone with common sense they will tell you that. I regret giving up my virginity to just someone and I think that most people will. It is good that you talk to T and he listens to you. Everything changes after sex in most relationships. Depending on how deep you are in the Dunya (world) it has different meaning for different people. For men oddly more respect comes from not doing it rather than doing it, because there is a respect that is earned from not doing it. If you do it then there is only hope that you won't give it away to someone else. I would say for my generation this was the case. For your generation I suppose that it is assumed that everyone over the age of 16 has done it already so I'm unsure about the sanctity of sex nowadays. I am glad you ask me questions though. If you want to have sex get married first. This is the best way.

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  8. but you have to go and get the correct ruling...
    No really brother, you should do that for all of us...inshallah you can get some blessings out of it.

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  9. Great post, Muhammad. And unfortunately, it makes me think.

    Having been married for 16 yrs, plus 5 kids must make me pretty boring. Sigh.

    And yet....the entire sex drive thingy has switched. In the beginning it was SUPER HUBBY.....and now....its SUPER WIFE and tired hubby. SIGH!!

    I like what Egianqueen is saying....what happens when you've been rebuffed? Offered excuses? What happens?

    I know Egianqueen personally, and I can say that she's tried all the advice you've offered.....not because she wants to fix things, but because that's the person she is!!

    Although Polygamy isn't a two way street, it sometimes comes to the mind of a person where you think....why not me? And of course, you can reason it out when ur thinking logically....whose baby? What about when I'm not praying....etc etc.

    But still....it pops into my mind from time to time.

    I wonder if I'm going to say too much here....but I'll say it anways because of the honesty of this post.....

    I got married at 18....Hubby was 25. Both of us were virgins. And since you know all about my situation....you know that hubby has had two other wives. Can I help being curious? Can I?

    Perhaps its the shaytan who is attacking that......but I'll tell you......when you get into the highs and lows of sex drives....and suddenly you find yourself 35 yrs old...alone most of the time with a lot of unfulfilled needs.....

    it
    makes
    you
    think.

    What are the options? (besides pushing for a divorce....pushing for fair time??)

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