Monday, December 25, 2006

Drowning

29:2 Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested? - English

29:3 Yea, indeed, We did test those who lived before them; and so, [too, shall be tested the people now living: and] most certainly will God mark out those who prove themselves true, and most certainly will He mark out those who are lying.
Asad(29,2)
[2]

Now the thing is this. I have belief. If anyone were to debate with me from any religious camp or agnostic/atheist corner I am more than certain they would have a toe to toe battle that would definetely leave an impression. (Darwin issue soon to be revisited, just a soon as I read the books) Belief is not the problem, the problem is faith and that is a touchy subject. Many of us say we have faith but we really have issues, all of us. I suppose where I'm at I want my faith to be genuine through and true.

In my last post I wrote that there is an element of me that just doesn't care, and it's true. I was an only child and lived a life pretty isolated socially for the most part from everyone else. Not that I didn't have cousins and step-siblings but by the time I think they were a normal part of my life the solitary life had set in. My previous wife often wondered if it was necessary for her to be there at all, because I was perfectly fine being by myself. So it is with me I can take people or leave them, thank God my wife didn't settle for any such non-sense. She forced me to talk, communicate even by threatening to leave me, it worked for the first time in my life I can sit down and have a genuine conversation with genuine feelings. She brought me out of my shell, in doing so she realized that I would have to be able to tell her everything regardless if it hurt or not and then we would work through it later. It works for us, alhamdulillah. It may be a little too open for most of you, but I'm 150% satisfied with the gift Allah gave me.

What is it that I'm talking about? That connection of real concern, Real caring you know the kind of people that you ask for help and they go out of their way to help you, not because it is their job, or they are sucking up to you are anything just genuine niceness and they are just beautiful people. Well that's not me. I have my moments but for the most part I can deal without people. I give in sadaqa but there's never any real connection there. You are giving 25 cents a person to some village 4000 miles away where is the connection in that? Yes it is needed and yes it is sadaqa, but there is no human connection in that. I know people give you that whole nonsense about everyone has to help in a way that they can help, but I can't help feeling so phoney sometimes. I wish for a life with out that superficial connection of humanity. I can fake it with the best of them I suppose. Give the salaams and warm handshakes at the Masjid. Go and help someone that needs help, you know chip in, but then that is it. I don't call people, I don't write people, I don't see about anyone, I'm perfectly content being with myself. If it weren't for the women in my life I would never talk to anyone outside of this blog, Jumah or salat, or work. There isn't any real connection in that you know it is paramount of knowing a lot of names in high school so you go through the halls saying hello and then when you're home you're all alone.

So outside of my wife I have no close personal relationships, period (besides my Mom, I'm close to my Dad but I can live without calling anyone in my family. Not that we don't have a blast when we are together I just don't call) So in this I'm a phoney or at least I feel like one. Am I making any sense? So when it comes to my relationship with Allah it follows this same course unfortunately. Thank God for Salat otherwise I would only talk maybe sometimes to Allah you know that whole He's probably busy routine. Making excuses and what not for anything and everything in life. In essense this is where I feel I am. In a relationship with Allah but not really feeling that solid connection. Now be advised that I know the truth of Allah. He has answered all of my prayers everytime in one way or another. He has stopped me from my own vices even when everything was in place for them to happen. He's stopped me from my base self, and wanton desires on many occasions. He's made me completely oblivious to all kinds of seething debauchery that I might have indulged in. He's been on my side. I have no doubt of Allah's commitment to me. There are things that I know with Yakeen knowledge, but like I said knowledge doesn't equal faith and belief doesn't equal the kind of connection that you want. Being lazy and not doing anything about it doesn't help either. I look at Sheik Zaid and am like that is where I would like to be. You know those who have reached that plane with Allah have nothing to worry about. Miraculously someone provides them a house or some riba-free means of owning one. They don't have to worry about much, but the truth of the matter is we are all in that position it is just a matter of reaching out and taking it.

What is it that I want, to be real all the time, but I don't even think I have the capacity to develop that kind of relationship with other people. I don't call people cause I don't really have anything to say. Other than my wife I don't think I have made a deep connection with anyone in quite sometime, and I feel that in Islam you should have genuine concern for people. When a story comes that is heart-wrenching your heart should be wrenched. So many of us have been fake for so long it is difficult being real. It is just so much safer to put on your plastic smile and go about your business. Sheik Hamza says there is something about fake it till you make it, but honestly that is really empty and that emptiness gets to you after a while if your fake cannister of Deen never gets anything in it. Now luckily I have been there with my cannister and something in it before. When I prayed there was some depth there not just motions. Not that it is totally that way now, but I'm looking for a connection that is truly genuine.

This connection comes at a cost, it isn't free you have to pay and that is in the form of your test as referenced in the verses above. I suppose in all honesty I don't want to be tested. I'm petrified of the kinds of tests that Allah has in store for me, for if you truly want greatness then you have to be able to accept the tests that come with it. If you submit to mediocrity then you don't have to worry as much the kind of tests that Allah will send down your way unless He really just wants you to get a move on. So here I've been ducking the tests necessary for great Deen. I know they are out there and I know on the otherside is great power, but I'm just hiding here in the land of mediocrity. You have seen the effects of what languishing in your Deen can bring in my previous posts. I feel like the MIT professor hanging out with the flunkies of ITT technical, I know, I just choose to not apply for fear that the long awaited test that I have between me and a fully certified Deen comes to my front door. You will get tested and you can't quit, you can't throw your hands up in a T and yell time out. You have to hit the ground running. I know and you all know that I know so I really can't feign ignorance about the things that I've said and what I have done. I'm going to leave the old posts up so hopefully peeps will see some kind of progression out of this hole I have found myself in.

Maybe I'll volunteer at a homeless shelter so I can feel that my helping hand isn't so far away from the mouth that it feeds. Maybe I'll call someone and make a friend. I don't know how, but maybe I'll give it a shot. I can't deal with people for long periods of time, but maybe if I force myself it will become easier. I know I say that I don't care what people say in my comments but the truth is I do listen. Maybe that post two post ago was one of those help signs, but you have to be careful with those because the Salat Police will come around trying to make everything better and just make it worse. Sometimes I wish the Prophet was here and I could go to him and get one of those Dua's of his that lift the primary obstacle, but the truth is that it is here with Allah you just have to ask, and accept the fact that you will be tested. Allah knows that some of us are petrified of our test so he gave us this Dua.

2:286 On no soul doth Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray:) "Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden Like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; Help us against those who stand against faith."

You see for the Muslim there are no excuses to not live at your fullest potential without any fear of anything what so ever.

La Hawla walaa Quwata Illa Billah.

12 comments:

  1. As Salaam 'Alaykum Muhammad

    I'm the female versioon of you. Everything, that you mentioned that me to a Capital T and you know when you're that way people just don't know how to take you.."They call you standoffish!" (pardon the spelling)

    In regards to people (other than my husband) its hard for me to open up. I have trust issues with women especially (not saying all women are like) but, the ones I've come across..They smile in your face but take any information you've shared with them when they have you believe that you were a companion and tell it to anyone that will listen. Then when the smoke clear you ask how can you do this to me "I thought you were my companion" then they say oh! you were just a friend"

    oooo yeah! sorry about that I was venting anyways, for me its about being vulnerable, trusting, others without thinking if they are going to take advantage of you kindness.

    Does anything I said made any sense?

    I hope that it has..keep doing you and make islaah (correctness) with yourself and Allaaah subahanahu waw ta'ala will allow everything else to fall in place.In Shaa' Allaah

    was salaam 'alaykum wa rahmatuallah

    Umm Zanaib (please feel free to fix any grammatical error that you may see smile)

    You

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  2. I understand your situation. Mine isn't because of trust issues, but a deficiency in building relationships. I just can't relate in the first place, most of the time. I don't have the type of hooks that other men hook on. I don't talk primarily so building that bridge of communication is so very hard. Then there's the fact that I like to be left alone alot. Kind of like I wish people were light switches. Turn them on when you need them and off when you don't. Unfortunately friendships don't work like that. Marriages don't either so I'm so glad my wife got rid of that.

    I know what you mean about women. My wife never tells other sisters about sisters deep details. I know, but as you know I don't talk, but no one else does. I know unless the sister asks for her not to tell me. I can see how that hurts. To find out that you are not that Kind of friend that they would disregard your feelings like that.

    That of course would mean that you find it a whole lot easier talking to men, which would be problematic as a Muslim. I know I've said two words too many on several occasion. So now I pretty much only talk to my wife about serious stuff.

    I don't know maybe it is trust issues with me, I just don't have anyone close to me to try trusting.

    Sorry can't fix grammaticals :-)

    Wa A'laikum AsSalaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu

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  3. I grew up as an only child as well.....my mom didn't get pregnant with my brother until I was already married and out of the house....I lack that bond of siblings with my brother. He's 6 mos older than my oldest daughter. They are much closer than I have ever been with him.

    I like this post.....I read it and I can relate even tho whatever little friendship problems I suffer aren't hardly as extreme as yours. I've been called "indifferent" more times than I care to count....subhanAllah. I think it's an excellent idea for you to get yourself a friend and then try your best to put up with them.....hey....maybe they'll be looking at u the same way?

    If you keep banging away at the concrete...eventually you will crack the foundation. I have hopes for you, Muhammad....I really do.

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  4. Yeah it is kind of that way with my little brother. Who is actually bigger than me now. In college doing his own thang. He's got drama too. I don't call him either. I'm so bad.

    I don't think of it all as a problem, but it is I mean the Prophet has a hadith about people without friends. I don't remember how it goes but it wasn't positive. So now I have to find some poor unsuspecting soul to latch onto and forcefully call that person "friend" until it becomes natural. Gee how exciting.

    Oh well we'll see how it goes.

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  5. LOL about finding some "poor unsuspecting soul to latch onto!" You don't even have to call that individual "friend" -- just call him "dude" like my niece does, LOL. ;)

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  6. Asalamu Walaikum,
    I was just heading over to leave a comment on your Red Post that includes the Zaytunis. Alhumdiallah, you keep striving brother. I too am an only child that DOES NOT relate well to others. I have never had contemporaries and alhumdiallah, I finally kno wthat that is better than okay. I am happily a strange one.
    It could be ironic that I have married someone who barely understands ANYTHING I say. But, I think it has brought me to the realisation that to a larger degree it doesn't matter. Our intentions ARE what matter. And as my husband and I both fear Allah, it makes the whole communication thing a little trivial...anyhoo that's not the worms I'm getting into today...

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  7. Asalaam aleikum akhi. Yes, make the effort especially at your masjid to make friends with a good practising muslim man.I thank Allah for my few good sister friends, they are the type that will remind you about Allah in their talk and actions,mashallah. But even with any kind of friend, I take care not to divulge too much, you just never know and esp with us females. Shaytan is busy subhanallah.
    If you make the effort and find a good friend he will encourage you and vice versa to go regulary to the masjid and to lear more. It isn't easy trying to be a studenlt of Ilm, you have to cutt off those haraam things in your life or matters that keep you occupied. The more you fill your heart with rememberance and learning and less of the time consuming little nothings that you can do without, the more you will be a talibul-ilm. So make the right connections and make the effort for nothing worth doing is easy. I keep thinking of this hadith:

    Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) said:

    "When Allah created Paradise and Hellfire, He sent Gabriel to Paradise, saying, ‘look at it and at what I have prepared therein for its inhabitants.’ So Gabriel went to it and looked at it and at what Allah had prepared therein for its inhabitants. Then Gabriel returned it Allah and said, ‘By Your glory, no one hears of it without entering it.’ So Allah ordered that it be encompassed by forms of hardship, and He said, ‘Return to it and look at what I have prepared therein for its inhabitants! So, Gabriel returned to it and found that it was encompassed by forms of hardship. Then he returned to Allah and said, ‘By Your glory, I fear that no one will enter it, Allah said, ‘Go to Hellfire and look at it and at what I have prepared therein for its inhabitants.’ Gabriel found that it was in layers, one above the other. Then Gabriel returned to Allah and said, ‘By Your glory, no one who hears of it will enter it.’ So Allah ordered that it be encompassed by lusts. Then He said, ‘Return to it and Gabriel returned to it and said, ‘By Your glory, I am frightened that no one will escape from entering it.’
    [at-Tirmidhi, abu Dawud and An-Nasa'i]

    So inshAllah reach for this blessing.

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  8. another only child checking in. i have latched on sucessfully to one best friend :) and i am close to my parents but i have a hard time cultivating new friendships. i think i can make friends easily but keeping them is a different story.

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  9. Yeah especially when you go into those modes where you just don't want to be bothered. You kind of just check-out and then people are like what happened to you? Or you just like stop hanging out. I am trying to cultivate one relationship, I'll keep you guys posted on the progress.

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  10. Hmm, I wonder if that longing for connection with another person outside of your wife-also had some contribution to you wanting polygyny????

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  11. Good luck with the latching!! I can relate. lol

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  12. I don't think it has anything to do with my polygyny fetish, but who knows. I think the whole polygyny thing was primarily sexual going back to my earliest memories. I had elevated the desire out of the baseness of it all you know into a higher plane of Ummah saving and yearning for Jenna and Taqwa building etc., but when my Deen crashed it reverted to the base desire of just more sex. So now it's closed and I'm just focusing on my Deen and Insha Allah when it comes around again it can be about more than that.

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