The see-saw in the journey to Polygamy.

If you have been following since I don’t know March or something you will know that this journey has been back and forth between me and my wife in standard soap opera fashion. I have learned quite a bit about my wife and her feelings and justifications for things. I know that there are instances where she doesn’t mind at all the interactions between me and a sisterwife and then there are instances where she is completely uncomfortable with the whole concept. If any of you all are embarking on a similar journey I’m sure that you will find that things sometimes go back and forth. Like with her ultimatums about the idea, sometimes she’s emphatic about them and other times she is very lax regarding them. I think that this has to do with her emotional state at the time. I think when she is feeling very confident with our relationship she is very lax and when she has feelings of insecurities she is very stringent. Frankly I don’t think her “guidelines” are carved in stone, but when I do she accuses me as trying to persuade her. I don’t feel that this is the case I’m just trying to be realistic about the situation.

 

At the end of the day however one must look at the stark realities when the honeymoon is over. There will still be bills and lots of them. There will still be other issues that one cannot control in reference to the lifestyle, external stressors that really just get in the way. Things that will undoubtedly make you ask yourself what in the hell was I thinking? I don’t worry as much about all of the arguing that is leading up to the situation, I worry more about the situation after it is all said and done. The paying bills, the buying diapers, gas, car notes, house notes, hair, nails, vacations, in-laws. So much real life things to think about that really bring your focus out of significance of the little things that concerns all wives involved. So where my wife may be concerned if I’m more drawn to long flowing hair, or weight, or earning capacity, in reality the only thing I’m concerned about is paying the bills and keeping everyone happy. Significant things that women usually don’t tune in on, however these are the things that most men focus on in monogamous relationships and the same things that piss women off when the man’s attention is diverted from anything other than her. I can’t imagine that it would become any easier with more people involved. I would like to think that I am thinking realistically about the whole situation. Irregardless of whether my ideal wife is added or my wife’s there are some real issues that are going to have to be addressed. Most men that I have heard about that get involved in plural marriage are either too rich to be concerned about the needs or wants of the wives or too controlling to care. Even that isn’t true though because there are men like Martin who from all appearances doesn’t fit in either category.

 

My wife commented on my last post and at the end I was like screw it we just won’t get a sisterwife because that’s the safest and most peaceful option. The situation is all intangible so there aren’t any real issues to argue over so why insert added fights based upon an imaginary situation? Why? I guess supposedly you are supposed to have ground rules so I quickly took a decision t-chart and tried to align the points where both our ideals align without conflict. So here they are:

 

1. Has to be Sunni Muslim of sound Deen.
2. Attitude towards Deen has to be sound.
3. Has to wear Hijab.
4. Has to be committed to prayer.
5. Has to be submissive or non-argumentative there is a better way of saying this I just don’t know what it is. We are not looking for a mindless automatron. I guess the best way to say it is someone that is not going to come in and disrupt an already delicate situation by her inherent personality. Do you know what I mean? Because all women will undoubtedly have their moments, and that’s cool just not everyday.
6. Committed to our family as a whole (which means integrating her family into ours if she has children).
7. Willing to share one house.
8. Extra bonus willing to share the same bed.
9. Has to enjoy sex.

 

My wife can comment on any points that I forgot that we both agree on. I feel some of the other issues are superficial at best, other issues are valid, but can be dealt with on both sides. Like the issue of children I can understand that bringing additional children into the relationship can swing the pendulum either way. If the sisters have developed a close bond then it could work to strengthen the relationship. If they remain adversarial it adds permanence to a hostile situation. I feel that the character of the individual far outweighs issues with weight, race or occupation. In a relationship I feel that character is most important. If a person’s character is intact then the rest of them falls into place, or can be reasonably dealt with.

 

Now when it comes to me dealing with my wife’s phobias about me and the women that I would invite into our family I’m kind of at a loss for a couple of reasons. For one when it comes to Muslimas I’m really out of the loop because our religion doesn’t allow socialization between women and men. Furthermore I’m kind of a social recluse so the prospect of me meeting a woman is really slim to none. So that is an aspect that I really don’t understand, I can respect her position and fear but I don’t understand the plausibility of it. As far as the non-Muslims that I may happen to associate with I feel that is a dead issue because under no circumstances would I seriously consider a non-Muslim for a module in my family for reasons that I have stated earlier. There are many beautiful women out there that aren’t Muslim, but with me when the Muslima steps on the scene it is a no-contest. My wife has cautioned me about my interactions with the baby’s mother of the child we watch (there isn’t a word in the English language for this strangely I was kind of thinking baby-satter or something because that’s kind of stupid) and I’m like no I don’t think so.

 

In the mean time though I can fantasize about what I would really want and enjoy the family that I have now and most earnestly follow the advice of the Prophet (SAAW) “When you are out and see a beautiful woman, then come home and make love to your wife.” If everyone followed this advice then there would probably be a lot less infidelity in the world. Probably.