Listen... My last post ever.
For years I used my internet activity to subsidize my lack of a social life. It became my world, and through it I went out and connected to all of you. My world has ended today, and I am now alone. The arrangement allows me to continue to be a father, but I am a husband no more. I just couldn't say no, or rather keep saying no. I couldn't do it. You aren't tested everyday with tests in your life, but on the big days when the big tests come that is the day that will make the difference. Your resolve can wilt away in under a week. Today is the end of something beautiful, something pure and innocent. All I can say brothers if you are thinking about a second wife don't if you care for her at all. Don't let it consume your thoughts. Don't let your sexual fantasies cloud your thinking. If you care it will be you both that will end up getting hurt in the end. I can guarantee you. If you care about her it will be the worst expression of your weakness. If you care, you will ruin your life. If you care. If she is just someone to pass the time and have babies for you then it will do you no matter, but if you care you will lose everything. Guys that care always lose in polygamy. Guys that don't well they really didn't care in the first place.
I want to thank all of you who have supported me, chastised and admonished me and challenged me over the years. I leave this blog online as a study for students of knowledge to find and trace the steps of how one's sin and desires can ruin them.
AsSalaamu A'laikum Goodbye all.
I want to thank all of you who have supported me, chastised and admonished me and challenged me over the years. I leave this blog online as a study for students of knowledge to find and trace the steps of how one's sin and desires can ruin them.
AsSalaamu A'laikum Goodbye all.
Wa Alaykom Asalam Wa Rahtmatullah Wa Barakatu,
ReplyDeleteAllah can make what seems dead to come alive again.
Listen, Brother...last night I sat in a beautiful, breezy garden with my boy and his father. Yes, THAT father...the one who ruined our family with his vision of polygyny. It was the calm after the storm. It was lovely. It had been 11 months of being apart. When we sat there, we sat there older, wiser, and with better vision of who we are. We still are the parents of a wonderful boy. We still can be together through him. Married? Now, I don't know. I re-married, but am seperated. It didn't work. Him? He married her with a clause in the contract for no other wife. But...but...well, listen: I don't know the future, but I know the "now". And we're fine. You will be too. Stay halal. Stay respectful. What is meant to be will be. Give it the time it needs. Inshahallah. May Allah make it easy on you.
I suck so bad. It was a flawless set-up. I should have known that it was too perfect. All of the promises were in place, all of the insecurities met. All of the little unmentionables agreed to. Everything that my nafs wanted. It could not have been a more perfect execution of exploiting a man's weakness. I fell hook, line and sinker. Even after everything. I should have known that it was doom the picture was too perfect. Maybe it was revenge? If so it could not have been sweeter for them.
ReplyDeleteNow I have ruined my own family. Gone thrown away on the trash pile of life. I am such an idiot. That is why I say it is an addiction, because only an addict can look at 30 years to life and say that this fix is worth it.
Through everything Allah is on my wife's side. He has ALWAYS answered her prayers. She asked him a week ago about this and a week ago I was still saying no. In a weeks time I went from saying no thank you to yes please maybe just a little bit.
It is all good. I will remain single and just focus on my children. I have to make their lives better. I have to be the best to them that I can be. I will make it Insha Allah. I will never love any woman as much as I love Sakinah. Ever.
I stand down and lay down to sleep in this bed of nails I have made. Maybe something good will come from this. Maybe someone will benefit from the words wrote here. I think that I am the only male who has written about the torment of loss, but then again I don't read that many other blogs.
Thank you for your comment, and who knows in years maybe I can go on. A curiously thin African woman still comes to mind. Slow painful death is less painful than a broken heart, especially when it was broken by your own hands.
As Salaamu Alaikum Brother:
ReplyDeleteMay Allah grant you ease from your tremendous pain/Ameen.
Asalaamu Alaikum,
ReplyDeleteDon't be mad at me for saying this. You are my brother in Islam and I love you for the sake of Allah. If my own mother had given birth to you I would tell you the same thing that I am about to tell you now.... Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself!!!! You are a bright, inteeligent, passionate man and Allah knows the hearts. You have alot to offer anyone be it as a friend or spouse or father or mentor. But relationships are not one sided, the sacrifice has to come from both sides. She should want to hold on to you as much as you want to hold on to her and this is not done by trying to control you or claim ownership of you. Allah says that the men are the protectors and maintainers of the women. If you have the capacity to take care of more than one household, spiritually, financially and securely, then you owe that to Allah. Sisters don't just want another Mohammed at home, they need one. I know what it is like to be unmarried and trying to hold on to your deen and support yourself alone. And this is why when I married my husband, I chose to support his desire to remarry. There are not many good husbands out there, not many who can fulfill what Allah has commanded. I think that on the one hand she is being a bit selfish and on the other maybe your intentions were not correct. There are many families out there that do polygyny successfully and both sisters are well loved and respected. Noone is tossed away like trash and the only diputes that they have are concerning having enough time to spend with each other. Check you motives and next time look for Allah's reward for a noble endeavor. I pray for you and yours....
Umm Hafsa
Salaams Umm Hafsa:
ReplyDeleteI support p and agree with most of what you wrote!
If the brother chooses not to enter p for his own reasons (hurting his wife), Alhamdulillah for him. May Allah (swt) reward him!
However, to say that his wife is "a bit selfish" is not helpful. If she doesn't like p for herself, so be it. Saying that a sister is selfish is one of the things that brothers and yes, some sisters, use to beat down sisters who do not wish p for themselves.
If a sister doesn't want to be in a p marriage, it is her right.
All sisters should know, up front, that p may be a possibility in their marriage, no matter what a brother "promises" up front. They must be prepared up front in EVERY way (financially, emotionally, etc.) to act if p should come into their lives.
The brother has a right to p if he wants it, and can do it the way that Allah (swt) has commanded.
The sister has a right to divorce if ANYTHING endangers her deen (like the emotional effects of p).
This is Islam. I'm not trying to give fatwaa here; I'm not a scholar. But Muslims must get a control of their emotional lives.
Salaam Alaikum umm hafsa,
ReplyDeleteI don't know how well you may know Muhammad and Sakinah. I only know them from blogging. But it seems to me you are making a whole lot of assumptions and inserting yourself into a situation that is not necessaroly the most helpful. And you know what they say happens when you "assume" things.
Wish you and Sakinah all the best, Muhammad.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM