Sometimes I think

ٱتْلُ مَآ أُوحِىَ إِلَيْكَ مِنَ ٱلْكِتَٰبِ وَأَقِمِ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ ۖ إِنَّ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ تَنْهَىٰ عَنِ ٱلْفَحْشَآءِ وَٱلْمُنكَرِ ۗ وَلَذِكْرُ ٱللَّهِ أَكْبَرُ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ مَا تَصْنَعُونَ null Recite (O Muhammad SAW) what has been revealed to you of the Book (the Quran), and perform As-Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat). Verily, As-Salat (the prayer) prevents from Al-Fahsha' (i.e. great sins of every kind, unlawful sexual intercourse, etc.) and Al-Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed, etc.) and the remembering (praising, etc.) of (you by) Allah (in front of the angels) is greater indeed [than your remembering (praising, etc.) Allah in prayers, etc.]. And Allah knows what you do. http://www.muslimpro.com

So I'm almost finished reading the Quran again. I should have been finished long ago. When the time changed I got off of my routine. So I'm sometimes despondent as I wish that my wife would long for the Deen more. Little things that possibly other Muslims don't have fault in. Although we all have faults. Then I thought that she is truly only an reflection of myself. Who I truly am and not what I tell myself I am. Maybe my perceived faults in her are my own manifest faults shining through her practice, for a true Muslim man leading his family shines the light for them and pulls them along.

Who am I? And who am I fooling? Am I putting in the effort or just rolling along. I'm not leading, just existing, and nothing will change until I do. Am I serious about the Deen or just a passenger?

If I lived my Deen then people would know who I am and there wouldn't be a question of what I expect, but I compromised and now there is no race to prayer.  No Tahajjud, little fasting, no masjid love, no reading as a family, but this is my job not hers.

So maybe I will go alone and call it a day, as Lot had to leave his wife I may have to leave mine. That is a convoluted statement, because it is not as black and white as it seems. Maybe it is just me speaking my truth that I need to be doing, but if I don't do it, I can't verily well expect someone else to do it for me. No one will live my dreams if I don't live them.

How hard a Muslim do I want to be? How many endeavors will I enter knee deep before I ask is this halal and start over from scratch? How many customs will I allow to persist until I stop them? This is my job and I am alone in it.

Do your job Muhammad or live in misery.