Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Drift towards P

So this weekend the P monster came to visit. It was strange and although I have been on my Deen it was really weird. I have been married a year now and have not thought of P seriously, but this weekend it all came rushing back in a cloud of hopelessness. It was a most incredible feeling of despair. My wonderful wife got up and went to religious services and for some reason my world caved in. It was as if I was all alone in the universe. I went into a tailspin and looked for my only way out. P.

Maybe it was dhikr or prayer or both but I decided to do something that I hadn't ever decided to do. Talk about it. It was therapeutic and assuaged my fears of doing this Deen alone. However before my recovery I had went to a marriage site, texted a possible and looked at another during a meeting. I regained my senses and remembered my pain and I realized that I don't really think that I can do it. If I could then I possibly would have done it by now.

Today I made my rounds on the blogs of the former P vanguards and seen the fallen. Safa gave me words of wisdom and for that I thank her. She is a beautiful person. I still think she's cuter in hijab. LOL. So I read, I read the pain and remembered. I thought that I could do it differently, but now that I'm in a relationship that I'm actually talking and working things out in. I can see that it is practically impossible. I've reached a point in my life where I just want peace and P has too much drama for that. I say that even though I know that my heart would feel compassion for the right circumstance and I would have to talk myself out of it and remove myself from the situation in order to keep peace.

For those contemplating or struggling in P my prayers are with you. May you be blessed.

2 comments:

  1. Salaams

    First and foremost i wanted to acknowledge your thoughtfulness about such a weighty matter. My views of Polygamy has grown through the years...

    Polygamy from a women stand point can have It's highs and lows...but more lows than anything because we are (yes I will say it) EMOTIONAL BY DEFAULT.. We wake up and think it's all a dream. Who in their right mind, in this century, where-ever you are in the world, would embark on a journey as such? But we do, and Allah knows best what the future holds.

    My initial view of Polygamy/Polygany pre-Islaam was and still is, for the most part -It's in a man's nature...Not to stroke any mans ego to hear this simple truth coming from a women, but i do give men a pass; (in a sense) in-that i believe it to be a NATURAL inclination. Still, it's more complex than just going along with things that may be in our nature, especially if it's a lower (not to say it is or isn't) nature. For me having this view of it, allows me to have a certain level of compassion for a man who ponders or dive into the deep end.

    I believe the hypercritical world we live in today makes a fragile situation that much more porous and prone for breakage. Still I believe in the possibility of it's success -for all involved.

    But hey i've been accused of being too optimisticalynaive about certain reality.
    I personally put this word in my search engine today, because it is a matter that touch close to home for me. I want to say so much more, but it took alot for me to even get to this point of reaching out in a way that is and isn't so personal. Sometimes people tend to respond differently when they know who you are as oppose to just addressing the matter at hand. We humans like to make things more complicated (i think) just for some extra stimulation.

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  2. Thank you for your comment.

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